The only way to get through with hearts and wrists intact is...

When it first happened I didn't know what to do. At first, I didn't even realize what had happened. It's like waking up from a coma, you don't really know what to do so you stay still. It's not until you try to move, really actually move, that you realize that you're paralysed. That's what it was like for me.

When I woke up that morning everything seemed the same. I was never an unhappy child because I always had you there. I was never alone, I was never sad. When we grew into teenagers I always had someone to turn to, always someone to talk to. So when I turned over and you wern't there a slow kind of panic filled me. In the mornings, you were always there. If you were the first to wake, you'd wait for me, and vice versa. I knew that something must be very wrong. It wasn't until I traipsed down the stairs and saw our mother crumpled into our father's chest that I realized that you were gone.

You had left me. You left me behind.

It was like seeing for the first time that day. Like the curtain had finally been drawn back to reveal the horrible truth. Standing in front of me, smiling rather cruelly, as if to say; Ha, I told you so. Whether you can call it innocence or naivety, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I hadn't really taken enough notice to make a difference. And now it was too late. You, Jason. Jason, my twin brother. My twin brother, my best friend. My best friend, the other half of me. For the first time in my life I felt truly unhappy. I had woken up from a coma to find that I was paralysed. That half of my body had gone walk about. That half of me had left me.

For the first year, I still couldn't really comprehend what had happened. I knew somewhere deep down that you really had gone, really had runaway, really had left us all. But it was like my brain was blocking that knowledge. I was experiancing some sort of weird adrenaline rush that was preventing me from feeling the pain. I was in shock. I had spent the entire year barely eating, barely sleeping. I stayed up at nights and wondered during the days whether you gone was my fault. Even if it wasn't entirely my fault, it was somewhat my fault. I was your twin. I knew you better than any other person on this planet. I thought I knew yourself more than you knew you.

Then I became desperate. Because even if it was my fault you loved me. I knew that you did. You wouldn't leave me, you would come back for me. That was what I was convinced of for the entire first year. That you would be coming back for me. So, I followed the pattern that always happened whenever you had big news. It had started when we were younger. Whenever you had something to tell me you would write it down on a sticky note and hide it somewhere. I would never find them right away because that wasn't the point. The point was that I would find out when we were both ready for me to find out. It was usually a couple of weeks after, which meant that I was given time to figure it out for myself, and this sticky note would just confirm that I was right.

It happened when dad first hit you, when you realized that you liked our other best friend Benny, when you and Benny had sex, when you found out you were gay, when you and dad fought about it, when you first took drugs, when you started drinking, started smoking. Anything that happened I would eventually find out via sticky note, and then it was deemed acceptable to talk about. So for this first year I searched high and low for a sticky note, a sticky note that would explain that you had left but would be coming back to get me. A sticky note that you never intended to leave, and so didn't.

The second year I refused to think about it. I pushed you to the back of my mind because I had problems of my own. Problems that you had created. I suffered from depression, malnourishment because I wouldn't eat, I was nearly kicked out of school because I couldn't keep up with the work and I wasn never in. I was angry at you because you had been selfish and you ruined my life. You ruined our family. Our mother kicked our dad out. Because she was almost 100% sure that you leaving was entirely his fault. He always picked on you, called you names, patronized you, beat on you, hated you. Because you were always rebellious, you took drugs and smoked and drank and slept around. Because you were gay. He hated you for all of it, and our mother hated him for hating you. Nobody hated me because I never did anything. I went to school, I got good grades, I was on the honor role, I was popular and pretty and athletic and smart and talented. So when I went downhill, when dad got kicked out, when you left, mum started to drink heavily. The pressure got to much for her. She shot herself in the head.

All of this, because of you. You always had to make life hard for everyone else. I used to love you for it, but not now. This time you had gone too far. You had pushed and pushed and pushed until we had all fallen down.

After mum died and dad refused to come back to take care of me, they tried to move me to gran's. I cried and cried and cried. Although I hated you, I was scared that you might come back in the middle of night and I wouldn't be here. So gran moved into our house. My whole family had rejected me and abandoned me. Unwanted by you, unwanted by dad, unwanted by mum. Nobody cared about me. You always demanded the attention and I was cast into the background and forgotten about.

The third year would be the last year. The Last Year. It happened 10 years ago when we were 19. I was still living at home with gran, finished with high school. I hadn't bothered to go to college. I stayed at home all the time because I couldn't face ever leaving the house ever again. I had no future, and I really didn't care. I had given up caring by then. It was about 1am and I was sitting on the chair in our room gazing out of the window into the darkness. A police car and an ambulence raced past the house and I blinked at the flashing lights. Annoyed that they were disrupting my time. Then there was more. Maybe 3 or 4 police cars, another ambulence. At first I was suspicious because hardly any crimes go on in this neighbourhood. No stabbings, no shootings, no robberies. When the others passed, I sighed and dragged on a hoodie and trainers and climbed down the tree. Crossed the lawn and followed the sirens. You were 5 streets away.

The police thought that you had been on the way home. You were coming back for me. Back to me. After 3 years you were coming back. You had stopped in Joe's bar for a beer and got chatting to some guy, Mark, I think they said his name was. You two went out back to the parking lot by the woods for sex. That's when they jumped you. 4 men plus Mark turned on you and beat the crap out of you because you were gay. And that was wrong. You were a freak, sick in the head, and you didn't deserve to live. They broke your ribs, kicked your head in and apparently cut the end of your sick off, because of course you didn't deserve to have one. Because they called you a pussy.

You were on your way back to me, to complete me again when you died. When you were killed. This time I was sure it was my fault. I was the only person to go to your funeral.

It feels alright but that's a lie that's always near
Sit around and blame the one that put you here
I laughed aloud to drown it out
So I could breathe and feel the space around me
(I'm not kidding anymore)

I strolled casually through the cold, gray cemetary. It was autumn but the dreary clouds had already chased away the colorful sun, and the leaves had already fallen and died. Or maybe it was just this place, maybe this is just how it was here. I wouldn't know, I barely ever went anywhere else anymore.

I closed my eyes and paused mometarily, breathing in the cold air. It stung my lungs and made me cough.

Pulling the thin material of the gray hoodie/dress over my hands, trying to warm them up. God knows how long I would be wandering this place for. I continued to walk, my feet lost not only underneath the broken leaves but invisible in the strange, swirling mist that hangs around here. This was a god for saken place. It truly was. I would be surprised if I ever saw anyone else hanging about here other than myself and a few stray groups of teenagers, trying to test their bravery. With this odd mist, gray skies, dead and gnarled trees it was a kind of creepy barren place.

I smiled. A slow smile that crept up towards my eyes, making them crease up slightly. Only you could make me smile like this. Today, today would be the ultimate day. Today is thee day. I could barely contain my excitement. Forgetting the coldness, I sucked in a great lungful of air and coughed again. I can almost hear you laughing and rolling your eyes at how pathetic and weak I must look to you. But you love me, so it's okay.

I know, not wish. I murmer to myself. Lucky there's no one around here, they would think that I was a right nut job. But not that, oh no. Never that. The silence was almost defeaning, I was almost sure that I could hear you approaching. The shuffle of feet against the floor, stirring the leaves. A twist of mist where you glided though. But I forgot, you were like the living dead. Silent and deadly. I couldn't wait to see those thick lips curling up into a mocking smile. Those olive green eyes, beautiful and mysterious. Just like you. The thick, tangled black hair that you loved to run your hands through. Your devishly handsome looks. Every inch of you; perfection. Almost angelicly so. Which was laughingly ironic. And which still kept me wondering about why. Why me?

I closed my eyes and lowered my head towards the ground. I felt the fabric slip further down my neck. Then you were there. You were everywhere all at once. In my face, on my lips, kissing my neck, holding my hand. Even if I opened my eyes I wouldn't be able to pinpoint where you would be next. You were to quick for me. Too quick for anyone. Which should be sending shivers up my spine, but it didn't. It simply made me want you more. My heart sped up at every touch, every kiss. I felt you cheekily lick my neck and I inclined my head towards you, breathing in your calming scent. I loved every single thing about you.

Yes. Every. Single. Thing.

Yes, especially that. I heart you snort and I laugh. Why wouldn't you just believe me? Believe me when I say that you're not a freak, that I would love you no matter what. That I would do anything for you, that i trusted you with my life and knew that you would never do anything to harm me. But I was willing to make a temporary allowance, because I would be getting something amazing in return for it.

So this isn't all that great or anything, but it's just a bit of writing to get me back into the spirit of things. Comment please =]

I sat in the darkened room, and for once I was glad for it. The darkness I usually despised and feared was my security this time. I could sense him across the room on the bed, I couldn't see him and I knew he couldn't see me. He couldn't see the fresh tears glistening in my eyes, or the dirty stains on my arms. I was thankful for that.

'Why do you have to do it, Alice?' I could hear the sharpness in his voice, the frustration more than clear. I wondered if he meant it to sound as harsh as it does.

I responded with silence. Falling in love is giving someone power. What they do with that power is up to them. They either use it for good and make you feel like your soaring, or they use it to hurt you and make you tumble down and collide with hard concrete. No matter how many times you crash into that concrete ground though, it never seems to knock any sense into you. And even though it hurts like hell people all over the world continue to do it. Why? Maybe because they know that when it stops the after effects will be ten times worse than it is now, and we will have to deal with that pain all alone.

I heard him sift in the darkness but I stayed frozen on the spot. I didn't dare move or respond. Afraid that if I did the whole world would come crashing down around me, suffocating me. I didn't want to lose it. Not now, not here.

'I...I don't mean to,' I finally whispered, regretting it at once. I was pretty sure that he was rolling those pretty green eyes, hating me in his head.

'Yes you do, you know you do.' He got up and I felt a brief swirl of air as he passed by me.

'I love you...' It came out before I could stop it. 'Please, please stay with me.' He had been with me for as long as I could remember, even if all that time hadn't been very happy. Through all the cheating, the lies, on both sides. Neither of us refused to leave each other out in the cold, hard world to suffer alone. But it seemed that he had changed his mind. Maybe, just maybe, he had grown up. The sin of all sins.

'Don't. Don't say that Alice. Don't play that card, don't try and guilt me anymore. I'm not falling for it anymore. I'm not waiting anymore, I've had enough. I'm sorry.'

I took a sharp intake of breath and closed my eyes.

The dry blood on my arms hurt and itched and I subconsciously started to scratch them. I opened my mouth to try and say something, anything. This was it, I had this one last chance to convince him to stay. But all that came out was a sob.

'Goodbye. Alice.' His soft, beautiful voice. His last words.

Stay with me, stay with me. I need you. I need you. My heart bleeds without you. I am nothing now. Nothing without you. You can't leave me. I love you.

My telepathic message to him. As he opened the door and closed it behind him, I stood. Waiting. Listening. Waiting for another reply.

'This heart, it beats. Beats for only you. My heart is yours,' my whisper was lost into the darkness. Embraced once again into non-existance.

And then it hit me.

This isn't a poem or a short story. It's just a piece of writing. Maybe you'll like it and maybe you won't. But let me know.

I'm sitting here with blood on my hands. But please, take that metaphorically.

I'm also sitting here crying on the floor. Now that's something to take literally.

You and me, you and me and her, you and me and her and him.

You, me, us, them, this street, this area, this country, this continant, this world.

I know that many others must feel like me. You know it too. It is very much common knowledge.

But does it make it any easier?

The sun is setting on just another, other day. And the sky is looking so cool. Honestly.

It's all colour. All red and orange and pink and purple and blue.

I sit here and watch it alone, watch this beautiful, natural thing happen alone.

And I can see it, I can feel it, I can sense it as it hits me.

Wave after wave after wave.

Drowning me, this is when I wish that maybe I should have taken some swimming lessons.

The drowning and the hard to breathe, suffocating thing.

And the tears never stop rolling down my face.

If I were wearing make up, I'm sure my mascara would be running. I wouldn't know though.

I've never been a make-up wearing person. Or an immaculate hygene person. Or a hair person. Or a stylish person. Does this make me wrong?

Is it wrong that I don't look like many of you, and that I wouldn't want to either?

I am constantly being watched, we all are. It's not paranoia, this is just another common knowledge.

When I believe that I am crying at night, and that nobody knows, well that's just ignorant thinking that is.

I don't fit in any clique. I am not emo, nor preppy. I am not geeky, nor am I cool. Not a perfect student, nor a highschool drop out.

I am just me. Thats all I have.

I've been told before that I scare people.

Some because apparently I am quietly aggressive. I have an angry aura and people pick up on that and run the opposite way.

Some simply because I am a teenager.

At the most difficult and most prejudiced time of my life I struggle.

To stay sane, to keep my head above this water, to stay alive.

But still, everyday of my life I am making someone unhappy.

I am angering him, I am annoying her, I am running in this circle and I am stuck.

Just like me, just like you, and her and him.

They call us names, they stereotype us.

We are troubled, we are hurt, we are broken.

But as teenagers, we take this, we use it and make it our own,

And we will continue to scare the shit out of you.