The only way to get through with hearts and wrists intact is...

=O It's an update!!! Sorry I've been so bad at them, but here's one for you. Sorry it's a bit rubbish and cheesy. Enjoy. Buzz's + Comments = L.O.V.E

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It had been over a month since the incident at Lucy’s house. My life was like a revolving door right now, people constantly coming and going. The only constant person that was here was Melody… I hadn’t managed to see Xavian since that night, our dad came to the house a few times a week not staying for more than a few hours to sleep, Angel had hardly been here either. And Taylor…she was a whole nother thing.

I wouldn’t know where to start with her, I guess you could say we’d been getting…closer since Lucy’s. Closer as in, more than a friend way closer. But it’s confusing. Instead of it being how I’d dreamed it to be, it was completely different, like an embarrassing secret that had to be kept quiet at all costs. We would meet up for a couple of days a week, and things would get totally out of hand, and then after she wouldn’t talk to me for awhile, and then it would start up again. She wouldn’t talk about it or discuss it at all, I just didn’t understand what was going. All I knew is that every time she left, she left me confused, she left me hurt and every time she went, a little piece of me died inside.

 

Winter was rapidly approaching now, so I decided to take Melody down to the park and make use of the little sunshine we had left now. Not to mention take the opportunity to get out whilst dad wasn’t here and take some time to clear my head, think things through.

I gripped her tiny mittened hand as we walked the 10 minute walk to the park. I vaguely listened to her ramble on about a cat we’d seen and if we could take it home because it looked cold…something like that. You know what little kids are like. I was slightly glad when we reached the park and I watched as she let go of my hand and ran over to the playground. As much as I loved her, I was only 15 and looking after a little kid is such hard work.

As I wondered over to a slightly secluded bench, but one that was in full view of Melody, I tried to remember what is was to be like that. So young, everything was so simple, so easy to fix. I envied her, what I would give to be that young again. I kicked a few stray leaves that blew in the chilly wind and followed a small grass trodden path towards the bench which was hidden by a small bush. I was surprised when I got closer to smell cigarette smoke and gasped when I saw a certain curly-haired boy sitting there. I looked down and adjusted my knee length black coat and hoped to god that I looked decent today. I crept up silently behind him and sat beside him on the bench, but I had so far gone unnoticed. I watched him briefly and saw him deep in thought as he took a drag from the fag.

“Smoking’s bad for you, ya know,” I smiled as he jumped in surprise and looked at me with slightly widened eyes. A moment later he searched my face and a big grin spread over his face, revealing deep dimples in both his cheeks.

“Rayne!” He exclaimed happily, setting butterflies off in my stomach. HE was happy to see ME? His cheeks turned a soft red color when he realised how he had just acted. “I mean, I didn’t think I’d see you again.”

“Same here,” I said not sure what else to say. I just felt like a little fire had been lit inside of me and was emitting a tingly warm feeling. I looked up at the playground and alowd myself to smile slightly. “I bet your girlfriend wouldn’t approve of you smoking,” I said cheekily after a while.

“What girlfriend?” he said smiling back. Well this was good, he was amazingly good looking, friendly and single… I managed to scowl at him as he took another drag on the cigerette. He looked up and laughed before stubbing it out.

“Happy now?” He asked jokily.

“Who said I wasn’t happy before?” He looked up at me and caught me eye. I froze, unable to look away, mesmerized by his deep brown eyes.

“You look really nice today, Rayne,” I felt myself blush.

“Your not too bad yourself,” I managed to say back. I noticed how the wind was blowing his hair about his face, and I noticed how he had tiny freckles dotted over his nose, and I noticed how nice a mouth he had. But during all this noticing, I hadn’t managed to notice that we had started to lean in towards each other, and that we were still holding gaze. I began to close my eyes and my heart started to quicken it’s beating. Just as I could feel him centimetres away from me, his warm breath on my face, I heard a little voice pipe up.

“Rayne? Rayne whatta ya doin?” I felt myself pull back and say something to Melody, but inside I was screaming at her for interrupting the moment. I wanted to lean back in, to take the kiss, but the moment was already long gone, waving at me as it sailed past. “Rayne I’m cold, I wanna go home,” I looked at her in her many layers of clothes, and at her big green eyes that were peering out from under her little pink hat. I nodded and as I got up I picked her up and put her on my hip. I looked at Xavian embarrassed, thinking about how close we had come to kissing. I barely knew this boy, what was I doing?!

“I’m sorry, I have to go. I’ll see you around.” As I walked away, the voice was crying out in my head to go back, because I didn’t want to just ‘see him around’. I didn’t hear a reply back so continued to walk out of the park and down the road, only stopping to cross at the traffic lights. In this split second, something told me to look back and I did. And then there he was, running after us. His hair blowing behind him in the wind, his eyes narrowed and his muscles bulging as they flexed from running.

“Rayne! Wait!” He called out and I stopped, aware that the people in their cars were waiting for me to cross at the green man.

“Hullo,” I heard Melody say and waved to him with her little hand. He smiled at her.

“Hello to you too, beautiful.” She giggled and buried her face in my shoulder. “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t let you walk away. Can I get your number? I have to see you again.”

This is a seriously AMAZING poem. I think that everyone should read this and think about the meaning. Maybe it will encourage people to think before they speak in the future.

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Half-Caste by John Agard

Excuse me
standing on one leg
I'm half-caste

Explain yuself
wha yu mean
when yu say half-caste
yu mean when picasso
mix red an green
is a half-caste canvas/
explain yuself
wha yu mean
when yu say half-caste
yu mean when light an shadow
mix in de sky
is a half-caste weather/
well in dat case
england weather
nearly always half-caste
in fact some o dem cloud
half-caste till dem overcast
so spiteful dem dont want de sun pass
ah rass/
explain yuself
wha yu mean
when yu say half-caste
yu mean tchaikovsky
sit down at dah piano
an mix a black key
wid a white key
is a half-caste symphony/

Explain yuself
wha yu mean
Ah listening to yu wid de keen
half of mih ear
Ah lookin at yu wid de keen
half of mih eye
and when I'm introduced to yu
I'm sure you'll understand
why I offer yu half-a-hand
an when I sleep at night
I close half-a-eye
consequently when I dream
I dream half-a-dream
an when moon begin to glow
I half-caste human being
cast half-a-shadow
but yu must come back tomorrow
wid de whole of yu eye
an de whole of yu ear
an de whole of yu mind

an I will tell yu
de other half
of my story

Sorry for wait. Loadsa stuff been going on recently and today is the first chance I;ve had to post anything. Sorry about that, enjoy.

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Xavian pulled up outside my house 10 minutes later, and I sat there reluctant to get out of the car. The last thing I wanted to do was to go inside that house and deal with the problems. I sighed and ran my hand through my hair, taking a deep breath. I closed my eyes as I breathed in Xavian’s warm, sweet smell and I heard him cough awkwardly.

“Thanks for the ride home,” I muttered as I gathered myself together.

“Anytime, Rayne,” he said. “I guess I’ll see you around?”

“Sure,” I said, not really sure but wishing it to be true. “Bye,” I got out and closed the door. As I approached the front door I could hear shouting inside and I quickly jammed my key in the lock and turned, not bothering to look back to see if Xavian was still there.

 

An hour later, I lay next to my little sister in my bed watching her as she slept. I’d always felt a great protection for her, she was such a beautiful delicate thing. As she slept her long curly brown hair sprawled out over the pillow and her face was the picture of peace. Her closed eyelids hid her normally big wide blue eyes that stood out against her olive skin, her tiny little mouth smiling in her dreams. I leant over and kissed her smooth forehead, Melody, our little angel.

As I sat back I began to cry silently at the unfairness of everything. It wasn’t fair that a little kid had to go through all of this. At only 3 years, she had seen more pain than most people had already. The death of our mum had gone almost unnoticed in her world but certain signs showed that she had a small understanding of it, but then their was our dad. Night after night she witnessed the terrible rows me and my older brother, Angel had with him. She saw when he hit us, when he beats us up. She knew things that kids shouldn’t have to know.

During my time of thinking, I hadn’t heard Angel creep in the room. I jumped at the sound of the closing door and managed to pick him out in the almost darkness. The only light being given out was from Melody’s little night-light that sat in the middle of the room, casting pictures of baby animals around the room. He came over to me and sat down next to me, holding onto my hand. I looked up at him and felt a stab of guilt when I saw the slow trickle of blood that was coming down his forehead.

“Angel…” I whispered softly to him.

“Rayne, why does it happen to us? Did we do something wrong? Tell me why it happens to us?” He said lowly. And looked at me, his sad brown eyes pleading, wanting an answer that I couldn’t give.

“I don’t know, Angel. I really don’t know.” He sighed and wiped the blood off his head with the back of his hand.

“One day soon, I’ll get us out of this, away from him you know. So that we can be safe. You two don’t deserve to go through any of this. It’s not fair.”

“I know it’s not, but you don’t have to do anything.”

“I’m the eldest and the only boy…”

“Which doesn’t mean that you have to do it alone. We’ll get through this together Angel. I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” He said before laying down on the bed, curled up like a foetus in it’s mothers womb.

That night I didn’t sleep at all. My thoughts kept me awake driven by the fear that our drunken father would come in whilst we were all asleep and try something. So for hours on end, I lay feeling alone even though I had my two most loved people laying next to me, terrorising myself with my thoughts. Everything was a problem, not only was there the thing with my tormenting father and the fear for the life of my baby sister and my brother, but there was the problem of Taylor. I punished myself emotionally till I wanted to curl up and die. Because all these thoughts and feelings I was having were wrong. I was taking advantage of her as a friend. And I shouldn’t have these thoughts of what I wanted to do to her. Hold her, caress her, kiss her, taster her, please her. All of these feelings confusing and eating away at me. I had no one to confide in, no one to help me. In my time of need, where was my prince charming to rescue me? Little did I know, was that he was just around the corner waiting.

Its not an update of either VMA or EST but you'll hav t put up with it until someone shines some light into my world. For once, I'm admitting I may need help.

 

Without you, I'm Nothing.

I feel so small.

Putting it away, seems like the best way to deal with it.

Don't tempt me with your sharp objects.

Don't try me.

Anger. Terror. Fear. Emo for Emotional.

Entertaining sicker things is what I do.

And we seem to clash head first,

In a constant friendly battle, which will never be won.

I watch helplessly, as you built up the walls.

Your shield? Your coping mechanism?

Windowless.

You leave me outside in the cold and the rain, alone and

Underprotected

because I managed to give you all a piece of me.

Unfortunatly for me, I seemed to give you my all.

I'm pretty pessimestic for an optimist.

I won't deny it, or try to hide it.

And I am in the process of admitting,

that maybe, just maybe

I am wrong

and that I want your help.

The only problem is, I'm too proud to admit it.

This is the last bit of pre-written stuff i've got so I need to some tonight =D I'm really enjoying writing this though. I wanna give a shout out to everyone who's reading this, it means alot to me thank you so much. I hope your enjoying it, so lemme know what you think at the end. xx

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I must have been lying on the damp grass for a long time, because by the time my tears had all dried up I was extremely cold and tired. The sun was beginning to rise over the trees so I figured out that I must have spent the night here. How stupid of me! Anything could have happened, but I obviously was a bit pre-occupied last night. I sat slowly and rubbed my head, trying to get rid of this thumping feeling in my head. As I sat there watching the sun slowly begin to come up, I felt a presence next to me that I hadn’t noticed before. I slowly turned my head and had a start when I saw a guy sitting next to me watching me.

“Who the fuck are you?” I exclaimed trying to get up but losing my balance and falling over again. Causing my head to explode. I sat there breathing heavily trying to escape in my mind, but my legs remained where they were. I slowly turned to look at the guy again who was now gently laughing at me. Something inside my head suddenly went off, and I was sure it wasn’t drink related. “Hang on…” I squinted at him. “I…I know you somewhere.” He nodded his head.

“Yeah, I play football here. I see you and your friend every Saturday.” I flinched at the sound of me and Taylor together here alone as the memories of last night floated back into my head in a hazy mist. “Ex-friend?” He suggested but I merely just shook my head. “Uhm…I got you some paracetemol and water.” He pulled them out of a bag at his side and gave them to me. I looked at them warily. “There okay, I promise.” I took them, not knowing what else to do and swallowed them gratefully. As I did I took the time to examine him. I did remember him. He had caught my eye the first Saturday we had come here. And I blushed knowing that I was sitting next to him.

He had deep brown eyes set against tanned skin, finely chiselled features, a cheeky grin and shoulder length dark curly brown hair that hung around his perfect face. He noticed me looking at him and smiled once more, dimples appearing in his cheeks making me squeal inside.

“My name’s Xavian,” I nodded.

“Rayne.” He nodded back at me and I laughed in the awkwardness of everything. “Your not from around here are you?” I said. His accent sounded to familiar and yet kinda foreign, but I just couldn’t place it.

“Nah I’m not. I’m actually from Sydney in Australia.”

“Ah!” I said. So that’s why it sounded so familiar. “Your accent sounds really nice.” I found myself saying. He gave an embarrassed smile and thanked me.

“So Rayne,” he began putting his hands through his hair as he leant back against a wall that was beside us. I did the same. “If you don’t mind me asking, how’d you come to be out here alone in the dark drunk?” I sighed and avoided his eyes. Looking out at the sunrise instead. It looked so beautiful, baby pink clouds floated about a deep orange sky streaked with light purple.

“Just…I was at a party,” I finally answered after awhile. “Something embarrassing happened, but I’d rather not talk about it.”

“I see,” he simply answered, and I was glad that he chose not to press the matter. But as I thought about Taylor tears began to spring to me eyes again. I was so embarrassed at what had happened, allowing my feelings to take control of me like that. And the fact that I was having feelings like that for my friend, a girl friend, it was so wrong. I felt dirty and contaminated, even though I know that it wasn’t my fault or that it was wrong. There was nothing wrong with being gay, my head told me. But I’m not gay, I argued back with myself. I like boys…except that. Taylor was the only girl I had ever had feelings for, but they were strong feelings, that was for sure. I felt a hand place itself gently on my arm.

“Hey, are you okay?” Xavian asked. I nodded my head and wiped away my tears with the sleeve of my hoodie. I blinked as something white appeared in front of my face and I took it after realizing that it was a tissue.

“What else you got in that bag? A whole shop?” I joked lightly.

“Maybe,” he said smiling again. “Look, maybe I should take you home. Its 7 in the morning and you must be cold after spending the night here. My cars just around the corner, I’ll give you a ride home.” I nodded gratefully and took his big warm hand as he helped me up. I blinked up at him, suddenly realizing how tall he was. “You’re a right shorty huh?” He laughed patting my head.

“Hey fuck you,” I said. “ I actually like being short.”

“Well good you,”

“Indeed,” I replied by sticking out my tongue and following him off of the grass and onto a pavement. I noticed that he had a damp patch on the bum of his jeans, and couldn’t help but admire it.

The drive to my house was pretty quiet, I couldn’t speak much. To be quite honest I was afraid. If my dad would be home, he would be angry, and that wouldn’t be good if it was combined with a nights drinking inside of him. He had hit me and Angel quite a few times now, but we had both vowed to leave if he ever put his hand on Melody. Where we would go, neither of us knew. But anywhere would be better than with him.

Heres you guys' update. Specially for Emm. Welcome back to Stephie and Britt!!! And thanks to everyone for reading! This ones kinda long, to make up for all those tiny updates i used to do lmao. Anyway hope you enjoy. Buzzes && comments =L.O.V.E

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I sat on the lush green in the park sharing a drink with one of my best friends Taylor. The cool breeze blew my black hair gently around my face, tickling me. We sat side by side in silence just watching the guys running around in the summer sun playing football.

Every week we came here, and sat here in the same spot every week. It’s just like a tradition that we do, and it provides me with time with Taylor that I crave so much. We didn’t do much, just sat here and talked all day, drinking, sunning. Things that friends do in general.

I shaded my eyes as I watched her stand up and stretch in front of the sun. I looked as her short black hair blew softly in the wind, and the way it framed her pretty face. The face with its olive skin, and soft grey eyes that stood out, and lips that were curled into a smile. As she stretched I noticed that her white tank top rode up slightly revealing her toned stomach. My eyes wandered her body, climbing up her long legs, lingering in places that they shouldn’t.

I tore my eyes away, and mentally punished myself for the thing that I hated doing. I found myself doing it even more often now, and I dreamt of the Saturday’s that I spent with her. The way I would get to play with her soft curly hair, the way that I would be able to smell her amazing scent and touch her smooth lotioned skin. The little things that drove me crazy about her.

I felt someone nudge me and I turned to see her bright grey eyes staring into mine. Our faces inches away from each other. She smiled, her plump lips teasing me.

“What cha thinking about?” She asked, her low soulful voice dancing about my ears.

“Nothin,” I blushed. Embarrassed at what I was really thinking of. She sat back and I layed back down.

“Hey, you goin’ to Lucy’s party later?” I turned my head to look at her

“Maybe,” I replied slowly.

“Oh come on, it’ll be a laugh Rayne.” I smiled at Taylor’s thoughts of fun. Getting drunk, dancing till dawn and teasing the local boys.

“You know I wanna go though dude. It’s just…I’ll have to talk to Angel about it. We need someone to look after Melody.” She nodded as she gazed off into the distance to watch the footballers running around. The sweat dripping off of their naked chests.

“You deserve some time off. Your always looking after Melody since your bum ass dad ain’t never home.” We both laughed, knowing it was true. I was Melody’s second mother . Me and Angel were like the parents she didn’t have. “So it’s a deal yeah?” I grinned.

“Yeah,” I knew if I didn’t agree, she’d convince me some other way. It’s easier to just give up now. She lay back down beside me and closed her eyes against the afternoon sun. And I turned my thoughts to what would happen later that night. Maybe it would offer me the opportunity that I had been searching for.

*****************************************************************************

It was hot and stuffy in Lucy’s overcrowded apartment that night. Me and Taylor had only arrived an hour ago, and already the party was in full swing. Beer fuelled guys ran amok after the girls dressed in their worst. Short dresses or mini skirts. I’m glad that neither me or Taylor looked like a complete whore. We made our way carefully through the crowded rooms, and through the crowds of people toward our small group of friends sitting on the living room couch.

Lucy was sitting with her favourite drink, rum and coke. Meanwhile our two other friends, Jada and Kelly sat in conversation. They waved us over and we all briefly hugged. I latched onto Kelly and Jada’s conversation quickly. It seemed that Kelly was telling us all about the newest guy that she had apparently fallen in love with, and how he was so sweet and special. No doubt he would be gone as soon as he found out how easy she was. As much as I loved Kelly, she was a real flirt and that girl just did not learn her lessons. On the other hand you had her best friend, Jada. Jada was more sensible than Kelly and preferred to take her time over guys and make sure that they respected her. But then again she was still in a 4 year relationship with her boyfriend, Michael. So that wasn’t much to go on. The you had Lucy. Fun-loving, energetic Lucy. Willing to give anything a go at least once, but more sensible when it came down to the serious stuff. She always came up with the groups most wildest ideas, that we were all too happy to go along with.

I took a glass from Taylor and the next thing I remember, we’re all sitting in a circle. Discarded bottles lay all over the floor and the apartment was pretty much vacant apart from us 5 and 3 boys that I couldn’t remember the name of. I frowned as I studied the face of one of them, and I realized that he was one of the footballers from the park that had had his eye on Taylor for a while now.

“Okay!” Lucy shouted drunkenly in my ear. “Time to play…SPIN THE BOTTLE!” I laughed.

“Okay!” I agreed. In my head, it didn’t seem like such a good idea. But my mouth seemed to disagree with it right now. It all became a bit of a blur as person after person seemed to become less and less clothed, and my mouth had started to taste weird after kissing so many people, not to mention some other things.

“Maybe we should go now Luce,” I said, pointing to Kelly who had passed out cold on the lap of some poor boy. Jada was practically laughing her head off and even Taylor looked a bit off her head.

“One…just one more go,” she slurred attempting to spin the bottle and failing. I shook my head and span it for her. The bottle seemed to go round in slow motion and I started to feel sick. The motion of the bottle was just so weird. When I finally stopped I so confused that I must have blanked out for a few seconds.

“Rayne!” Jada yelled and poked me in the head. “We’re talking to youu,” she giggled.

“Eh?” I asked confusedly.

“Your turn.” I stared at her blankly. “You have to kiss her,” she giggled again and pointed at a grinning Taylor. Suddenly the game wasn’t funny anymore, and I felt sick rising in my stomach. I didn’t want to play anymore. All the boys waited eagerly, cheering us on and Taylor was edging closer. Next she was so close I could barely hear myself think. My heart was hammering so loud, I was sure that everybody could hear. My mouth was dry and the sick was threatening to spill any second. I took a huge gulp and swallowed it back down nervously.

“You ready?” Taylor asked and I felt myself nod although in my head I was screaming out not to. Then it was too late. I was on her. My lips pressed against hers and I felt her smell clog up my nostrils. Her beautiful hair was out, and the golden lights made her skin shine. I could feel her smiling and in my head, I was telling me to stop. But I couldn’t. As I leant forward I didn’t realize the amount of pressure I had on her and I fell on top. I could hear everyone laughing around me as Taylor finally pushed me off.

I looked at her. I felt like I was having a heart-attack, my brain was working over-drive and every vein in my body was pulsating with blood going double its normal speed. I could taste her in my mouth, I could feel my tongue still against hers. Lucy was just looking at me smiling. The boys were all cheering and roaring with laughter. And before I knew what I was doing, I was off the floor and running down the dark streets and into the park.

There were no lights, and I ran on blindly. Tree twigs scratching and tearing at my face and clothes. My breathing rate deepened even more. I felt sick to my stomach and had to stop to throw up in a near by bush. But on I ran, confused. Tears spilling out my big round eyes and down onto my hot cheeks. Flushed with embarrassment and humiliation. Until finally I tripped over something laying on the floor. And when I hit the floor, I never wanted to get up again.

I wept into my freshly cleaned soft pillow, trying to muffle out the sound. Next door my little sister, Melody lay asleep, my older brother was out. And my dad was god knows where, but that wasn’t what I was crying about. Everything had gone so wrong, and now I was stuck. I didn’t know what to do. All these problems had built up on my brain for so long, that I couldn’t cope anymore.

What had I done? I asked myself over and over again, as the tears rolled down my cheeks and I didn’t try to sniff them away. All my pain, hurt and confusion was finally flowing free. After so long of keeping it in, I was finally letting some of it out.

For years it had been going wrong. I guess you could say the problems first started out 2 years ago, when I was 14 years old. The death of our mother. She was the strongest person I had ever known in my short life, my inspiration and my role model. She supported this family on her own back while our no good father wasted away his life. 2 jobs for average pay. Enough to keep me, Melody and Angel alive and in good health. That was until the cancer got her. We cried for days, but after a few months it seemed as if Angel had gotten over his pain and all that baby Melody could grasp was that she had no Mum anymore. That she was gone. No one can ever understand the pain that you go through when a loved one dies, and everyday I die a little bit inside.

Now these tears I cried were not only for my mum but for me. Rayne Stewarts. And the god awful mess I’d gotten myself into. Not only had I lost my mum, but I had lost two other loved ones. Not in death, but I had destroyed our friendships.

Ever since I was 9, I knew I was different. I had always been different from other girls anyway, but this was the tip of the iceberg for me. It concluded that I had a problem. A big problem. And everything was fine, until shortly after my mum died. That’s when I became closer to some of my friends, and that’s when I realized something.

But my story doesn’t start there, it starts the day that I met Xavian Phoenix. On that fateful Sunday morning, two weeks ago.

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Heres the beginning guys. I've written 7 pages of this so far, so. There'll be more posts if you like this one. Thanks for reading =D