The only way to get through with hearts and wrists intact is...

I wept into my freshly cleaned soft pillow, trying to muffle out the sound. Next door my little sister, Melody lay asleep, my older brother was out. And my dad was god knows where, but that wasn’t what I was crying about. Everything had gone so wrong, and now I was stuck. I didn’t know what to do. All these problems had built up on my brain for so long, that I couldn’t cope anymore.

What had I done? I asked myself over and over again, as the tears rolled down my cheeks and I didn’t try to sniff them away. All my pain, hurt and confusion was finally flowing free. After so long of keeping it in, I was finally letting some of it out.

For years it had been going wrong. I guess you could say the problems first started out 2 years ago, when I was 14 years old. The death of our mother. She was the strongest person I had ever known in my short life, my inspiration and my role model. She supported this family on her own back while our no good father wasted away his life. 2 jobs for average pay. Enough to keep me, Melody and Angel alive and in good health. That was until the cancer got her. We cried for days, but after a few months it seemed as if Angel had gotten over his pain and all that baby Melody could grasp was that she had no Mum anymore. That she was gone. No one can ever understand the pain that you go through when a loved one dies, and everyday I die a little bit inside.

Now these tears I cried were not only for my mum but for me. Rayne Stewarts. And the god awful mess I’d gotten myself into. Not only had I lost my mum, but I had lost two other loved ones. Not in death, but I had destroyed our friendships.

Ever since I was 9, I knew I was different. I had always been different from other girls anyway, but this was the tip of the iceberg for me. It concluded that I had a problem. A big problem. And everything was fine, until shortly after my mum died. That’s when I became closer to some of my friends, and that’s when I realized something.

But my story doesn’t start there, it starts the day that I met Xavian Phoenix. On that fateful Sunday morning, two weeks ago.

I sat on the lush green in the park sharing a drink with one of my best friends Taylor. The cool breeze blew my black hair gently around my face, tickling me. We sat side by side in silence just watching the guys running around in the summer sun playing football.

Every week we came here, and sat here in the same spot every week. It’s just like a tradition that we do, and it provides me with time with Taylor that I crave so much. We didn’t do much, just sat here and talked all day, drinking, sunning. Things that friends do in general.

I shaded my eyes as I watched her stand up and stretch in front of the sun. I looked as her short black hair blew softly in the wind, and the way it framed her pretty face. The face with its olive skin, and soft grey eyes that stood out, and lips that were curled into a smile. As she stretched I noticed that her white tank top rode up slightly revealing her toned stomach. My eyes wandered her body, climbing up her long legs, lingering in places that they shouldn’t.

I tore my eyes away, and mentally punished myself for the thing that I hated doing. I found myself doing it even more often now, and I dreamt of the Saturday’s that I spent with her. The way I would get to play with her soft curly hair, the way that I would be able to smell her amazing scent and touch her smooth lotioned skin. The little things that drove me crazy about her.

I felt someone nudge me and I turned to see her bright grey eyes staring into mine. Our faces inches away from each other. She smiled, her plump lips teasing me.

“What cha thinking about?” She asked, her low soulful voice dancing about my ears.

“Nothin,” I blushed. Embarrassed at what I was really thinking of. She sat back and I layed back down.

“Hey, you goin’ to Lucy’s party later?” I turned my head to look at her

“Maybe,” I replied slowly.

“Oh come on, it’ll be a laugh Rayne.” I smiled at Taylor’s thoughts of fun. Getting drunk, dancing till dawn and teasing the local boys.

“You know I wanna go though dude. It’s just…I’ll have to talk to Angel about it. We need someone to look after Melody.” She nodded as she gazed off into the distance to watch the footballers running around. The sweat dripping off of their naked chests.

“You deserve some time off. Your always looking after Melody since your bum ass dad ain’t never home.” We both laughed, knowing it was true. I was Melody’s second mother . Me and Angel were like the parents she didn’t have. “So it’s a deal yeah?” I grinned.

“Yeah,” I knew if I didn’t agree, she’d convince me some other way. It’s easier to just give up now. She lay back down beside me and closed her eyes against the afternoon sun. And I turned my thoughts to what would happen later that night. Maybe it would offer me the opportunity that I had been searching for.

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It was hot and stuffy in Lucy’s overcrowded apartment that night. Me and Taylor had only arrived an hour ago, and already the party was in full swing. Beer fuelled guys ran amok after the girls dressed in their worst. Short dresses or mini skirts. I’m glad that neither me or Taylor looked like a complete whore. We made our way carefully through the crowded rooms, and through the crowds of people toward our small group of friends sitting on the living room couch.

Lucy was sitting with her favourite drink, rum and coke. Meanwhile our two other friends, Jada and Kelly sat in conversation. They waved us over and we all briefly hugged. I latched onto Kelly and Jada’s conversation quickly. It seemed that Kelly was telling us all about the newest guy that she had apparently fallen in love with, and how he was so sweet and special. No doubt he would be gone as soon as he found out how easy she was. As much as I loved Kelly, she was a real flirt and that girl just did not learn her lessons. On the other hand you had her best friend, Jada. Jada was more sensible than Kelly and preferred to take her time over guys and make sure that they respected her. But then again she was still in a 4 year relationship with her boyfriend, Michael. So that wasn’t much to go on. The you had Lucy. Fun-loving, energetic Lucy. Willing to give anything a go at least once, but more sensible when it came down to the serious stuff. She always came up with the groups most wildest ideas, that we were all too happy to go along with.

I took a glass from Taylor and the next thing I remember, we’re all sitting in a circle. Discarded bottles lay all over the floor and the apartment was pretty much vacant apart from us 5 and 3 boys that I couldn’t remember the name of. I frowned as I studied the face of one of them, and I realized that he was one of the footballers from the park that had had his eye on Taylor for a while now.

“Okay!” Lucy shouted drunkenly in my ear. “Time to play…SPIN THE BOTTLE!” I laughed.

“Okay!” I agreed. In my head, it didn’t seem like such a good idea. But my mouth seemed to disagree with it right now. It all became a bit of a blur as person after person seemed to become less and less clothed, and my mouth had started to taste weird after kissing so many people, not to mention some other things.

“Maybe we should go now Luce,” I said, pointing to Kelly who had passed out cold on the lap of some poor boy. Jada was practically laughing her head off and even Taylor looked a bit off her head.

“One…just one more go,” she slurred attempting to spin the bottle and failing. I shook my head and span it for her. The bottle seemed to go round in slow motion and I started to feel sick. The motion of the bottle was just so weird. When I finally stopped I so confused that I must have blanked out for a few seconds.

“Rayne!” Jada yelled and poked me in the head. “We’re talking to youu,” she giggled.

“Eh?” I asked confusedly.

“Your turn.” I stared at her blankly. “You have to kiss her,” she giggled again and pointed at a grinning Taylor. Suddenly the game wasn’t funny anymore, and I felt sick rising in my stomach. I didn’t want to play anymore. All the boys waited eagerly, cheering us on and Taylor was edging closer. Next she was so close I could barely hear myself think. My heart was hammering so loud, I was sure that everybody could hear. My mouth was dry and the sick was threatening to spill any second. I took a huge gulp and swallowed it back down nervously.

“You ready?” Taylor asked and I felt myself nod although in my head I was screaming out not to. Then it was too late. I was on her. My lips pressed against hers and I felt her smell clog up my nostrils. Her beautiful hair was out, and the golden lights made her skin shine. I could feel her smiling and in my head, I was telling me to stop. But I couldn’t. As I leant forward I didn’t realize the amount of pressure I had on her and I fell on top. I could hear everyone laughing around me as Taylor finally pushed me off.

I looked at her. I felt like I was having a heart-attack, my brain was working over-drive and every vein in my body was pulsating with blood going double its normal speed. I could taste her in my mouth, I could feel my tongue still against hers. Lucy was just looking at me smiling. The boys were all cheering and roaring with laughter. And before I knew what I was doing, I was off the floor and running down the dark streets and into the park.

There were no lights, and I ran on blindly. Tree twigs scratching and tearing at my face and clothes. My breathing rate deepened even more. I felt sick to my stomach and had to stop to throw up in a near by bush. But on I ran, confused. Tears spilling out my big round eyes and down onto my hot cheeks. Flushed with embarrassment and humiliation. Until finally I tripped over something laying on the floor. And when I hit the floor, I never wanted to get up again.

I must have been lying on the damp grass for a long time, because by the time my tears had all dried up I was extremely cold and tired. The sun was beginning to rise over the trees so I figured out that I must have spent the night here. How stupid of me! Anything could have happened, but I obviously was a bit pre-occupied last night. I sat slowly and rubbed my head, trying to get rid of this thumping feeling in my head. As I sat there watching the sun slowly begin to come up, I felt a presence next to me that I hadn’t noticed before. I slowly turned my head and had a start when I saw a guy sitting next to me watching me.

“Who the fuck are you?” I exclaimed trying to get up but losing my balance and falling over again. Causing my head to explode. I sat there breathing heavily trying to escape in my mind, but my legs remained where they were. I slowly turned to look at the guy again who was now gently laughing at me. Something inside my head suddenly went off, and I was sure it wasn’t drink related. “Hang on…” I squinted at him. “I…I know you somewhere.” He nodded his head.

“Yeah, I play football here. I see you and your friend every Saturday.” I flinched at the sound of me and Taylor together here alone as the memories of last night floated back into my head in a hazy mist. “Ex-friend?” He suggested but I merely just shook my head. “Uhm…I got you some paracetemol and water.” He pulled them out of a bag at his side and gave them to me. I looked at them warily. “There okay, I promise.” I took them, not knowing what else to do and swallowed them gratefully. As I did I took the time to examine him. I did remember him. He had caught my eye the first Saturday we had come here. And I blushed knowing that I was sitting next to him.

He had deep brown eyes set against tanned skin, finely chiselled features, a cheeky grin and shoulder length dark curly brown hair that hung around his perfect face. He noticed me looking at him and smiled once more, dimples appearing in his cheeks making me squeal inside.

“My name’s Xavian,” I nodded.

“Rayne.” He nodded back at me and I laughed in the awkwardness of everything. “Your not from around here are you?” I said. His accent sounded to familiar and yet kinda foreign, but I just couldn’t place it.

“Nah I’m not. I’m actually from Sydney in Australia.”

“Ah!” I said. So that’s why it sounded so familiar. “Your accent sounds really nice.” I found myself saying. He gave an embarrassed smile and thanked me.

“So Rayne,” he began putting his hands through his hair as he leant back against a wall that was beside us. I did the same. “If you don’t mind me asking, how’d you come to be out here alone in the dark drunk?” I sighed and avoided his eyes. Looking out at the sunrise instead. It looked so beautiful, baby pink clouds floated about a deep orange sky streaked with light purple.

“Just…I was at a party,” I finally answered after awhile. “Something embarrassing happened, but I’d rather not talk about it.”

“I see,” he simply answered, and I was glad that he chose not to press the matter. But as I thought about Taylor tears began to spring to me eyes again. I was so embarrassed at what had happened, allowing my feelings to take control of me like that. And the fact that I was having feelings like that for my friend, a girl friend, it was so wrong. I felt dirty and contaminated, even though I know that it wasn’t my fault or that it was wrong. There was nothing wrong with being gay, my head told me. But I’m not gay, I argued back with myself. I like boys…except that. Taylor was the only girl I had ever had feelings for, but they were strong feelings, that was for sure. I felt a hand place itself gently on my arm.

“Hey, are you okay?” Xavian asked. I nodded my head and wiped away my tears with the sleeve of my hoodie. I blinked as something white appeared in front of my face and I took it after realizing that it was a tissue.

“What else you got in that bag? A whole shop?” I joked lightly.

“Maybe,” he said smiling again. “Look, maybe I should take you home. Its 7 in the morning and you must be cold after spending the night here. My cars just around the corner, I’ll give you a ride home.” I nodded gratefully and took his big warm hand as he helped me up. I blinked up at him, suddenly realizing how tall he was. “You’re a right shorty huh?” He laughed patting my head.

“Hey fuck you,” I said. “ I actually like being short.”

“Well good you,”

“Indeed,” I replied by sticking out my tongue and following him off of the grass and onto a pavement. I noticed that he had a damp patch on the bum of his jeans, and couldn’t help but admire it.

The drive to my house was pretty quiet, I couldn’t speak much. To be quite honest I was afraid. If my dad would be home, he would be angry, and that wouldn’t be good if it was combined with a nights drinking inside of him. He had hit me and Angel quite a few times now, but we had both vowed to leave if he ever put his hand on Melody. Where we would go, neither of us knew. But anywhere would be better than with him.