The only way to get through with hearts and wrists intact is...

Ev - o - lu - tion [ev-uh-loo-shunn] noun

1. a gradual process in which something or someone changes into a different and usually more complex or better form.

2. a continuing process of change from one state or condition to another.

I just got done listening to Ciara's newer album, The Evolution. And instead of the run-of-the-mill albums, she included something that I've never seen before. There are four intro's; The Evolution of Music, The Evolution of Dance, The Evolution of Fashion and the Evolution of C. These are just 10-20 seconds of her talking about the songs to come, what inspired her to do them, etc. And I want to include two of those intro's here.

The Evolution of Fashion

Dare to be different. Be your own trendsetter. It's not about the designers or the price but how you rock it, and it starts with confidence. So for those who have something to say - Get in or fit in.

I love that quote from Ciara. Why? Because it's true. What makes you you is not just your personality, but your style and your look. You can tell quite a bit about people by how they look or how they carry themselves. Some are confident and show it through their dress sense with out-there clothes and bold and bright colors. While others hide behind their clothes and usually wear quite bland and baggy clothing.

I think it's really cool when people stand out in their clothing. If you feel good in it, chances are you look great in it. Now a days there are so many different styles. You can rock dresses with trainers, a suit jacket with jeans, a tie with a t-shirt, a scarf as a belt. Think outside of the box and create something new, think about the possiblities of how you can wear it or what it would look good with. Plan outfits, it will make all the difference. Try lots of different things and see what you can come up with. The possiblities really are endless. Get in or fit in.

The Evolution of C

The past few years of my life have truly been a journey. So many things about me have changed. My faith is stronger, I'm much more confident, my jeans even fit a little different. A lot of life lessons learned, but no regrets because I know because everything has helped make me the woman I am today.

Everyone changes, everyone. There are no exceptions to this rule. Some change for the better, some for the worst. Somethings change that you wish had never changed, and some changes are welcomed with open arms. Your life is a journey. You have choices to make, you have things that should or need or want to be done. Sometimes we stumble or fall along the way, and we find people or things to help us through that. But whatever happens, you have choices to make in your life. We don't always make the right ones, but that is how you learn. You can walk away from whatever went wrong, with your head held high and look at things with a newer mind-set and just take away the experiance with you. Every single thing we do affects our future. A thought, an action or a word. What we do will affect what is to come for us. We write our own journey's, we write our own stories. But the one thing that you should remember is that whatever happens, you can recover from it and come out for the better. And everything that happens helps to shape the person you are today and the person you are to become in the future.

 

I knew as soon as I saw your child-like face that you were the one for me. I knew the instant our eyes locked from across the crowded room, that we were meant to be together. It was a feeling that started from the tips of my toes and travelled at alarming speeds to the very roots of my hair. From that moment, there was no one but you and I in that room. There was no wild dancers in the middle of the floor, there was no jack-the-lads eyeing up every pretty young girl, there was no smokers or binge-drinkers. The stale air smelt sweet and the eye sore looked more beautiful than it would ever have looked. They had all disappeared in the blink of an eye.

I blinked, and you were suddenly gone. Replaced by some acne-plagued girl with lank hair throwing up right on the very spot your wonderful being had just been standing on. The air now stank of smoke, weed, the bitter smell of alcohol and sick. And in front of me was the writhing and pulsing crowd of misfits, dancing and jumping up and down to the loud music that was pumping out of every corner of the room. The hard flashing lights blinding me forced me to flee from the room and out into the courtyard. Free from the seemingly disease stricken room. Out here it was quiet and I breathed in the glorious cold, fresh air. I came here for the music, for the band that had essentially saved my so-called life, and instead found a place where I could belong. Granted, I wasn’t one of the ones throwing up in a corner somewhere, or getting drugged up with some strangers, but I felt like I had found somewhere to be myself. They were just as lost, confused and trapped as I felt, only they showed the external side and mine just never reached the surface of my being.

I sat down on a near-by bench and closed my eyes, basking in the memory of you. Trying to remember every single thing about you. But all I could see in my head were those striking eyes of yours. Those seemingly normal brown eyes, except that they weren’t so average. There was something unexplainable about them, something extraordinary. And I knew they would remain imprinted not only on my mind forever, but on my heart too.

I opened my eyes slowly, and at first I thought my mind was tricking me. For in front of me you stood. The most beautiful being to ever grace my life, crouching down before me and staring at me with those wide eyes.

"Who are you?" I whispered in awe, but you put a finger gently to my lip and then took your hand in mine and led my around the side of the building.We entered the dirty washrooms. There once white walls now grey with fingerprints and god knows what else. A strong smell of urine, shit and something indistinguishable invaded my smell and made my gag reflex kick in, I only just stopped myself from throwing up all over your Broken Paradise t-shirt.

You led me into a half-decent cubicle and sat me down on the toilet seat, wiping it first with the toilet paper. I sat, you crouched down once again and gazed up at me. I knew I should be frightened, but I had never felt safer with anyone. Somehow, I felt that you could see into my soul with those eyes, and as if you understood exactly what I needed and exactly how I felt. It was beautiful, in a pathetic sort of way.

 

---

This wouldn't happen without Emm [emmlovespanic]! So make sure you all thank her =] This story's for you, Emm.

Note: This is not carried on from the story before. There won't be a second part to it because I'm thinking of making it into a proper story. This may suck, but thats what writings about. Getting better. Warning: Explicit material at the end. Don;t read if your gonna complain.

---

I looked over at Alex and took his hand in mine. I was so scared as we sat in that circle. Waiting, waiting for what would come next, waiting for the result. Me and Alex wern't the only ones there. We were there along with six others; Hannah, Marcus, Sian, Jason, Jack and Maz. Just sitting and waiting, waiting for our turn. My blood was pulsing through my veins and my heart beat twice it's average speed. The other's didn't care so much, they didn't really believe in what was going on here anyway. They didn't get why I was so scared anyway, but I knew what they said goes. And I wasn't scared for myself, I was scared for Alex.

He was the love of my life, the person I cared about above everyone even myself. I couldn't bare to lose him. He was too important to me. I looked at him now and he gave a comforting smile.

"It'll be alright, Kiara." He said to me and put our hands onto his lap and held it tightly. I saw him breifly shiver and I guessed that it was from the cold air that was drifting about in this horrid place. This horrid place was just a massive red room, there were no windows and just one door. It was behind us, a big white door marked exit by the big spray-painted letters. In front of me and Alex, behind Hannah and Jason, lay these big wide stairs that led up to a round circle in the wall. In the corner of the room a tannoy speaker crackled into life.

"Could Miss Hannah Bynes please come through," And with that it was silenced once again and we sat there and stared at Hannah. Her round face and big blue eyes showed no fear, infact she was smiling. She stood up, kissed Jason on the cheek and waved to us before ascending the massive stairs without a backwards glance.

We sat in silence and fear, not knowing where she had gone or if she would either be coming back. The minutes seemed to crawl past, each of us sitting in suspense. Until at last, the circle door rolled back and Hannah stepped out. She came down to us and took her original seat.

"What happened?" Sian asked eagerly, her little black curls bouncing about in their bunches. We all nodded and repeated the question. She just shrugged and smiled.

"I went in this room and there was a chair in front a big mirror, obviously with people behind it." We nodded. "And then this voice came through and asked me that if I had one wish, what would it be?" We all looked at her confused.

"What?" Marcus asked, as baffled as the rest of us. "What are they on?" Hannah shrugged again and sat her slim body back in the seat.

"I told them, and then they ask you a few more questions and that was it. They also said that it will be some time before they call another person in, so we should feel free to just relax and do what we want." And with that a few people got up and floated about, but me and Alex stayed together. I lay my head on his chest and he put his big, muscular arms around me and kissed my forehead.

"Told you it was nothing to worry about," he said grinning. I smiled back at him, I loved his smile. It was a big smile, that made his warm brown eyes crease and made his dimples appear in his cheeks. But I still wasn't convinced, there was still a fear inside of me. A fear that something was wrong.

"But why would we be here?" I asked, trying to fake calm.

"I dunno, I guess we'll find out later." I closed my eyes, breathing in his smell and sometime during that I must have slipped off into a sleep because when I woke up nearly everyone had had their turn. It turned out that everyone was asked the same sort of questions, some were asked more than others. Then came the time that I had been dreading.

"Will Miss Kiara Harris and Mr Alex Gray please come through," Everyone stopped and looked up at us, confused.

"Has anyone else been asked like that?" I whispered to Alex and he shook his head and stood up.

"Good luck!" I heard Jack yell and I laughed. "Well ya never know what they want you both for." He winked and I stood up smiling. Put a little bit at ease knowing that Alex would be there with me. I took a deep breath as Alex pulled me up the steps, towards the door and I gasped as the door slid back. A rush of hot air hit me, knocking me back slightly. And then we were inside.

******************************************************************

The room was full of dimmed light and in the middle of the room was a bed, we walked over and sat down. Waiting for the voice to tell us what to do. I giggled nervously when nothing happened for the first five minutes. Just at that moment, a small hatch opened and we watched as this smoke started to fill the room. Thats when I started to panic. I screamed and scrambled up the bed away from the hatch and buried my face into Alex.

"What is it?" I asked, coughing slightly. He shook his head and took a few deep breaths. I felt his hand start to go lax in mine and I started crying and screaming. "Alex! Alex!!" I yanked at his arm, but before I could take any more action, my eyes started to get heavy. I couldn't see, my vision was blurred by water droplets. And then suddenly it went dark.

*******************************************************************

For what seemed like hours to them both, Alex and Kiara seemed to wander through the unpenetratable mist in their minds. Neither aware of what was going on around them. And when they woke, some half an hour later, they did so in a calm and uncaring mood. There was no fear or panic in their mind, no worries. Just a warm glowing sensation that started in their chests and spread throughout their entire body. They both blinked for a few moments, their tired eyes adjusting to the dim lit room. It was quiet, no noises apart from their steady breathing.

Kiara groaned and turned her body over, opening her blue eyes up to look at the surroundings. Somewhere in the distance she could hear music. Music that made her want to dance, so she did. She got up and stood on the floor, listening to the song. And then she started to move her hips to the rhythm, unaware of anything going on around her. All she cared about was the music. It made her toss her head around, her black hair flying around her face. Her eyebrows arching as she twirled around and dipped low.

She done all of this completly unaware that Alex was now fully awake and watching. He sat on the edge of the bed, his eyes following her, wandering over her body. His blood pulsing as he watched her curvasceous hips twist this way and that, watched as they wound around. His blood pulsing around and around his body until he could no longer stand it. He reached over and pulled her body down onto the bed, the touch of her skin fuelling his desire. He kissed her, their lips connecting and a feeling like electricity sparked between them, exciting them both. His big hands wandered all over her bare skin, along her thick thieghs and across her chest.

Meanwhile, Kiara was having a hard time controlling herself too. Something inside of her was screaming for release as she ran her hands across his body. Over his big chest and across his flat, toned stomach. Staring up into his brown eyes that looked as if they were on fire. Running her hands through his thick, short brown hair . His mouth butterfly kissing her stomach, just above where the belt would lay. Her hands grasping around his back and he stroked her pale skin, making her back arch and her heart beat fast. Her mind not making sense, everything was a blur. Everything fuelled by some unstoppable force.

Until Alex could no longer keep the little control that he still possesed. He kissed her shoulder blades and smiled as she gasped in her pain. Her mouth forming a perfect o, the tiny breath escaping from those perfectly plump lips. Pushing deeper, deeper until he made her cry out, her eyes narrowed, her back arched, her legs wrapped around his strong hips while he pushed, pushed.

Faster and faster, everything a blur to them both. The pain and pleasure all mixed as one. Their breathing escalated, the temperture through the roof as their hot, sweaty bodies rubbed against each other. Their eyes searching each others face, their mouths searching, tasting, their hands wandering, touching everything and everywhere. Their blood boiling and pulsing through their veins, making their head explode with thoughts, making their passion more fuelled.

Until neither of them could no longer cope, and they collapsed onto each other. Their chests rising and falling, gasping in for air. Neither worried that their naked bodies were exposed, neither caring. Just wanting to rest, everything calming, the room becoming colder. Kiara snuggled up into her lovers chest, keeping warm. And Alex, wrapping his massive arms around his girl, protecting her, keeping her safe.

They both closed their eyes, feeling satisfied. Both trusting, both thinking they were safe in the arms of their lovers. And yet neither noticing the whole time, the little black camera, hidden in the shadows. Recording their every movement, and showing it to everything that lay behind that glass window.

I gazed up at the black curtain dotted with little yellow fireflies. My head on his warm, naked chest. I could feel his heartbeat beating slowly from underneath my head. Bah-bump. Bah-bump. Bah-bump. A slight chill blew about on the December wind, but neither me nor him minded in the slightest. We were used to it by now.

I turned my head slightly and took in the scene around us. The bare wooden floor was littered with packets of crisps and cigarette packets, with beer and alco-pop bottles. The only items in the room was our bed and a small lamp. The windows were glass-less and there was a hole in the ceiling that was cut on the spur of the moment, so that we could gaze up at the beautiful night sky with no worries. We didn’t remember the rain until it was too late. Everything was spur of the moment with us. We lived in this temporary accommodation, with our hole in the ceiling and no windows. We partied the nights away, and spend all day in bed. We had no fixed income, we lived chasing rainbows. It wasn’t forced, it was the one decided thing in our lives. I let out a deep sigh to let him know that something was wrong.

“Peter,” I said gently and I felt him shift, from sleeping to waking.

“Mmm?” He replied, linking his slim arms around my stomach.

“I think we have a problem,” And I felt him go still like I knew he would. Peter didn’t like problems, he didn’t like dealing with them either. If there were no problems then there was no worries, and no worries meant being happy.

When me and Peter were both 13 years old, we decided that we wouldn’t grow up. It was a breakthrough, the night we watched Peter Pan. Peter held me in his arms and close to him. He held me so tightly that I thought he would never let go. He promised me that he would be my Peter Pan, and I would be his Wendy. And we would never have to grow up. Growing up meant no problems, no problems meant no worries. No worries meant being happy. That was Peter’s philosophy to life. So that night, we snuck away under the dark skies in the cool summer’s breeze and we never turned back. To this very day, Peter had kept his promise. He was my Peter Pan, and I was his Wendy. He kept me safe, he kept me dry and warm, he fed me, bathed me and loved me more than anyone had loved me in my entire life. But then came along the biggest problem that could possibly happen.

I turned over and straddled myself over him. I leant in and breathed in his familiar scent, and I gazed into his big brown eyes. They always had this spark in them, a light that danced about those gorgeous eyes. I used to tease him and say that it was his shadow, and he would smile his big impish grin and hold me close. But now, there was no light. It was gone.

“There is no problem,” he said stubbornly. Did I forget to mention how stubborn he was? He would never budge on an idea, it was set in stone once he decided and nothing would change his mind. But this time it was different. This time, he didn’t have a choice. I breathed in heavily through my nose and whispered softly.

“Peter, Peter, Peter.” And as I did this I ran my hands across his narrow shoulders, over his smooth chest, across his flat toned stomach and I stopped, just above the belt of his loose jeans. And he relaxed, just like I knew he would. He looked up at me and you could still see that he was just a boy in his eyes. His big innocent eyes that were glistening with soft tears that he refused to cry. I ran my hands through his thick, curly blonde hair and leant my forehead against his. We stared into each others eyes and I rubbed my nose against his.

“I love you. More than the billions of stars in the sky, more than the thousands of fish in the sea, more than the trillions of people that could ever dream of loving and more than Peter loves Wendy. I love you.”

I shivered as I felt a single tear trickle down my pale white cheek, off my chin and fall the few centimetres onto his rich tan skin.

“I love you too.” He replied quietly. His voice wavering and his bottom lip trembling.

“Then why will you not listen to me?” I asked desperately. “Peter, I need you to help me. We don’t have much time.”

“You’re asking me to grow up, you’re asking me to do something that I can’t do.” He tried to sit up, but I used the very last of my energy to push him back down. His tired body didn’t bother to resist.

“I need you too. You have not only me to care for, but for our baby girl now.” I felt him stop and he looked back into my eyes. I felt myself falling into him, I wanted to kiss him, hold him, make our troubles grow away. But how could I allow myself to, if he refused to grow up, then I would have to for the sake of our child.

“It’s…a girl?” He asked in awe. His small mouth hung open and his eyes searching over mine, flickering with curiosity. I nodded. He placed his hands on my bare stomach and felt the movement of life inside of me, responding to her daddy’s touch. “You know..Can we..I know a name.” He said, the words stumbling out of his mouth in his excitement.

“What?” I asked, smiling. Because I already knew what he would say. I could see the light flicker back on in his eyes, and I could see his cheeky grin emerge out of the shadows. And even though I couldn’t see it, I knew that Peter was really flying. Flying like he had never flew before.

“She shall be called, Tinkerbell.” And with that, I knew that me, Peter and Tinkerbell would finally get our Happy Ever After.

=O It's an update!!! Sorry I've been so bad at them, but here's one for you. Sorry it's a bit rubbish and cheesy. Enjoy. Buzz's + Comments = L.O.V.E

---

It had been over a month since the incident at Lucy’s house. My life was like a revolving door right now, people constantly coming and going. The only constant person that was here was Melody… I hadn’t managed to see Xavian since that night, our dad came to the house a few times a week not staying for more than a few hours to sleep, Angel had hardly been here either. And Taylor…she was a whole nother thing.

I wouldn’t know where to start with her, I guess you could say we’d been getting…closer since Lucy’s. Closer as in, more than a friend way closer. But it’s confusing. Instead of it being how I’d dreamed it to be, it was completely different, like an embarrassing secret that had to be kept quiet at all costs. We would meet up for a couple of days a week, and things would get totally out of hand, and then after she wouldn’t talk to me for awhile, and then it would start up again. She wouldn’t talk about it or discuss it at all, I just didn’t understand what was going. All I knew is that every time she left, she left me confused, she left me hurt and every time she went, a little piece of me died inside.

 

Winter was rapidly approaching now, so I decided to take Melody down to the park and make use of the little sunshine we had left now. Not to mention take the opportunity to get out whilst dad wasn’t here and take some time to clear my head, think things through.

I gripped her tiny mittened hand as we walked the 10 minute walk to the park. I vaguely listened to her ramble on about a cat we’d seen and if we could take it home because it looked cold…something like that. You know what little kids are like. I was slightly glad when we reached the park and I watched as she let go of my hand and ran over to the playground. As much as I loved her, I was only 15 and looking after a little kid is such hard work.

As I wondered over to a slightly secluded bench, but one that was in full view of Melody, I tried to remember what is was to be like that. So young, everything was so simple, so easy to fix. I envied her, what I would give to be that young again. I kicked a few stray leaves that blew in the chilly wind and followed a small grass trodden path towards the bench which was hidden by a small bush. I was surprised when I got closer to smell cigarette smoke and gasped when I saw a certain curly-haired boy sitting there. I looked down and adjusted my knee length black coat and hoped to god that I looked decent today. I crept up silently behind him and sat beside him on the bench, but I had so far gone unnoticed. I watched him briefly and saw him deep in thought as he took a drag from the fag.

“Smoking’s bad for you, ya know,” I smiled as he jumped in surprise and looked at me with slightly widened eyes. A moment later he searched my face and a big grin spread over his face, revealing deep dimples in both his cheeks.

“Rayne!” He exclaimed happily, setting butterflies off in my stomach. HE was happy to see ME? His cheeks turned a soft red color when he realised how he had just acted. “I mean, I didn’t think I’d see you again.”

“Same here,” I said not sure what else to say. I just felt like a little fire had been lit inside of me and was emitting a tingly warm feeling. I looked up at the playground and alowd myself to smile slightly. “I bet your girlfriend wouldn’t approve of you smoking,” I said cheekily after a while.

“What girlfriend?” he said smiling back. Well this was good, he was amazingly good looking, friendly and single… I managed to scowl at him as he took another drag on the cigerette. He looked up and laughed before stubbing it out.

“Happy now?” He asked jokily.

“Who said I wasn’t happy before?” He looked up at me and caught me eye. I froze, unable to look away, mesmerized by his deep brown eyes.

“You look really nice today, Rayne,” I felt myself blush.

“Your not too bad yourself,” I managed to say back. I noticed how the wind was blowing his hair about his face, and I noticed how he had tiny freckles dotted over his nose, and I noticed how nice a mouth he had. But during all this noticing, I hadn’t managed to notice that we had started to lean in towards each other, and that we were still holding gaze. I began to close my eyes and my heart started to quicken it’s beating. Just as I could feel him centimetres away from me, his warm breath on my face, I heard a little voice pipe up.

“Rayne? Rayne whatta ya doin?” I felt myself pull back and say something to Melody, but inside I was screaming at her for interrupting the moment. I wanted to lean back in, to take the kiss, but the moment was already long gone, waving at me as it sailed past. “Rayne I’m cold, I wanna go home,” I looked at her in her many layers of clothes, and at her big green eyes that were peering out from under her little pink hat. I nodded and as I got up I picked her up and put her on my hip. I looked at Xavian embarrassed, thinking about how close we had come to kissing. I barely knew this boy, what was I doing?!

“I’m sorry, I have to go. I’ll see you around.” As I walked away, the voice was crying out in my head to go back, because I didn’t want to just ‘see him around’. I didn’t hear a reply back so continued to walk out of the park and down the road, only stopping to cross at the traffic lights. In this split second, something told me to look back and I did. And then there he was, running after us. His hair blowing behind him in the wind, his eyes narrowed and his muscles bulging as they flexed from running.

“Rayne! Wait!” He called out and I stopped, aware that the people in their cars were waiting for me to cross at the green man.

“Hullo,” I heard Melody say and waved to him with her little hand. He smiled at her.

“Hello to you too, beautiful.” She giggled and buried her face in my shoulder. “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t let you walk away. Can I get your number? I have to see you again.”

This is a seriously AMAZING poem. I think that everyone should read this and think about the meaning. Maybe it will encourage people to think before they speak in the future.

---

Half-Caste by John Agard

Excuse me
standing on one leg
I'm half-caste

Explain yuself
wha yu mean
when yu say half-caste
yu mean when picasso
mix red an green
is a half-caste canvas/
explain yuself
wha yu mean
when yu say half-caste
yu mean when light an shadow
mix in de sky
is a half-caste weather/
well in dat case
england weather
nearly always half-caste
in fact some o dem cloud
half-caste till dem overcast
so spiteful dem dont want de sun pass
ah rass/
explain yuself
wha yu mean
when yu say half-caste
yu mean tchaikovsky
sit down at dah piano
an mix a black key
wid a white key
is a half-caste symphony/

Explain yuself
wha yu mean
Ah listening to yu wid de keen
half of mih ear
Ah lookin at yu wid de keen
half of mih eye
and when I'm introduced to yu
I'm sure you'll understand
why I offer yu half-a-hand
an when I sleep at night
I close half-a-eye
consequently when I dream
I dream half-a-dream
an when moon begin to glow
I half-caste human being
cast half-a-shadow
but yu must come back tomorrow
wid de whole of yu eye
an de whole of yu ear
an de whole of yu mind

an I will tell yu
de other half
of my story

Sorry for wait. Loadsa stuff been going on recently and today is the first chance I;ve had to post anything. Sorry about that, enjoy.

---

Xavian pulled up outside my house 10 minutes later, and I sat there reluctant to get out of the car. The last thing I wanted to do was to go inside that house and deal with the problems. I sighed and ran my hand through my hair, taking a deep breath. I closed my eyes as I breathed in Xavian’s warm, sweet smell and I heard him cough awkwardly.

“Thanks for the ride home,” I muttered as I gathered myself together.

“Anytime, Rayne,” he said. “I guess I’ll see you around?”

“Sure,” I said, not really sure but wishing it to be true. “Bye,” I got out and closed the door. As I approached the front door I could hear shouting inside and I quickly jammed my key in the lock and turned, not bothering to look back to see if Xavian was still there.

 

An hour later, I lay next to my little sister in my bed watching her as she slept. I’d always felt a great protection for her, she was such a beautiful delicate thing. As she slept her long curly brown hair sprawled out over the pillow and her face was the picture of peace. Her closed eyelids hid her normally big wide blue eyes that stood out against her olive skin, her tiny little mouth smiling in her dreams. I leant over and kissed her smooth forehead, Melody, our little angel.

As I sat back I began to cry silently at the unfairness of everything. It wasn’t fair that a little kid had to go through all of this. At only 3 years, she had seen more pain than most people had already. The death of our mum had gone almost unnoticed in her world but certain signs showed that she had a small understanding of it, but then their was our dad. Night after night she witnessed the terrible rows me and my older brother, Angel had with him. She saw when he hit us, when he beats us up. She knew things that kids shouldn’t have to know.

During my time of thinking, I hadn’t heard Angel creep in the room. I jumped at the sound of the closing door and managed to pick him out in the almost darkness. The only light being given out was from Melody’s little night-light that sat in the middle of the room, casting pictures of baby animals around the room. He came over to me and sat down next to me, holding onto my hand. I looked up at him and felt a stab of guilt when I saw the slow trickle of blood that was coming down his forehead.

“Angel…” I whispered softly to him.

“Rayne, why does it happen to us? Did we do something wrong? Tell me why it happens to us?” He said lowly. And looked at me, his sad brown eyes pleading, wanting an answer that I couldn’t give.

“I don’t know, Angel. I really don’t know.” He sighed and wiped the blood off his head with the back of his hand.

“One day soon, I’ll get us out of this, away from him you know. So that we can be safe. You two don’t deserve to go through any of this. It’s not fair.”

“I know it’s not, but you don’t have to do anything.”

“I’m the eldest and the only boy…”

“Which doesn’t mean that you have to do it alone. We’ll get through this together Angel. I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” He said before laying down on the bed, curled up like a foetus in it’s mothers womb.

That night I didn’t sleep at all. My thoughts kept me awake driven by the fear that our drunken father would come in whilst we were all asleep and try something. So for hours on end, I lay feeling alone even though I had my two most loved people laying next to me, terrorising myself with my thoughts. Everything was a problem, not only was there the thing with my tormenting father and the fear for the life of my baby sister and my brother, but there was the problem of Taylor. I punished myself emotionally till I wanted to curl up and die. Because all these thoughts and feelings I was having were wrong. I was taking advantage of her as a friend. And I shouldn’t have these thoughts of what I wanted to do to her. Hold her, caress her, kiss her, taster her, please her. All of these feelings confusing and eating away at me. I had no one to confide in, no one to help me. In my time of need, where was my prince charming to rescue me? Little did I know, was that he was just around the corner waiting.

Its not an update of either VMA or EST but you'll hav t put up with it until someone shines some light into my world. For once, I'm admitting I may need help.

 

Without you, I'm Nothing.

I feel so small.

Putting it away, seems like the best way to deal with it.

Don't tempt me with your sharp objects.

Don't try me.

Anger. Terror. Fear. Emo for Emotional.

Entertaining sicker things is what I do.

And we seem to clash head first,

In a constant friendly battle, which will never be won.

I watch helplessly, as you built up the walls.

Your shield? Your coping mechanism?

Windowless.

You leave me outside in the cold and the rain, alone and

Underprotected

because I managed to give you all a piece of me.

Unfortunatly for me, I seemed to give you my all.

I'm pretty pessimestic for an optimist.

I won't deny it, or try to hide it.

And I am in the process of admitting,

that maybe, just maybe

I am wrong

and that I want your help.

The only problem is, I'm too proud to admit it.

This is the last bit of pre-written stuff i've got so I need to some tonight =D I'm really enjoying writing this though. I wanna give a shout out to everyone who's reading this, it means alot to me thank you so much. I hope your enjoying it, so lemme know what you think at the end. xx

---

I must have been lying on the damp grass for a long time, because by the time my tears had all dried up I was extremely cold and tired. The sun was beginning to rise over the trees so I figured out that I must have spent the night here. How stupid of me! Anything could have happened, but I obviously was a bit pre-occupied last night. I sat slowly and rubbed my head, trying to get rid of this thumping feeling in my head. As I sat there watching the sun slowly begin to come up, I felt a presence next to me that I hadn’t noticed before. I slowly turned my head and had a start when I saw a guy sitting next to me watching me.

“Who the fuck are you?” I exclaimed trying to get up but losing my balance and falling over again. Causing my head to explode. I sat there breathing heavily trying to escape in my mind, but my legs remained where they were. I slowly turned to look at the guy again who was now gently laughing at me. Something inside my head suddenly went off, and I was sure it wasn’t drink related. “Hang on…” I squinted at him. “I…I know you somewhere.” He nodded his head.

“Yeah, I play football here. I see you and your friend every Saturday.” I flinched at the sound of me and Taylor together here alone as the memories of last night floated back into my head in a hazy mist. “Ex-friend?” He suggested but I merely just shook my head. “Uhm…I got you some paracetemol and water.” He pulled them out of a bag at his side and gave them to me. I looked at them warily. “There okay, I promise.” I took them, not knowing what else to do and swallowed them gratefully. As I did I took the time to examine him. I did remember him. He had caught my eye the first Saturday we had come here. And I blushed knowing that I was sitting next to him.

He had deep brown eyes set against tanned skin, finely chiselled features, a cheeky grin and shoulder length dark curly brown hair that hung around his perfect face. He noticed me looking at him and smiled once more, dimples appearing in his cheeks making me squeal inside.

“My name’s Xavian,” I nodded.

“Rayne.” He nodded back at me and I laughed in the awkwardness of everything. “Your not from around here are you?” I said. His accent sounded to familiar and yet kinda foreign, but I just couldn’t place it.

“Nah I’m not. I’m actually from Sydney in Australia.”

“Ah!” I said. So that’s why it sounded so familiar. “Your accent sounds really nice.” I found myself saying. He gave an embarrassed smile and thanked me.

“So Rayne,” he began putting his hands through his hair as he leant back against a wall that was beside us. I did the same. “If you don’t mind me asking, how’d you come to be out here alone in the dark drunk?” I sighed and avoided his eyes. Looking out at the sunrise instead. It looked so beautiful, baby pink clouds floated about a deep orange sky streaked with light purple.

“Just…I was at a party,” I finally answered after awhile. “Something embarrassing happened, but I’d rather not talk about it.”

“I see,” he simply answered, and I was glad that he chose not to press the matter. But as I thought about Taylor tears began to spring to me eyes again. I was so embarrassed at what had happened, allowing my feelings to take control of me like that. And the fact that I was having feelings like that for my friend, a girl friend, it was so wrong. I felt dirty and contaminated, even though I know that it wasn’t my fault or that it was wrong. There was nothing wrong with being gay, my head told me. But I’m not gay, I argued back with myself. I like boys…except that. Taylor was the only girl I had ever had feelings for, but they were strong feelings, that was for sure. I felt a hand place itself gently on my arm.

“Hey, are you okay?” Xavian asked. I nodded my head and wiped away my tears with the sleeve of my hoodie. I blinked as something white appeared in front of my face and I took it after realizing that it was a tissue.

“What else you got in that bag? A whole shop?” I joked lightly.

“Maybe,” he said smiling again. “Look, maybe I should take you home. Its 7 in the morning and you must be cold after spending the night here. My cars just around the corner, I’ll give you a ride home.” I nodded gratefully and took his big warm hand as he helped me up. I blinked up at him, suddenly realizing how tall he was. “You’re a right shorty huh?” He laughed patting my head.

“Hey fuck you,” I said. “ I actually like being short.”

“Well good you,”

“Indeed,” I replied by sticking out my tongue and following him off of the grass and onto a pavement. I noticed that he had a damp patch on the bum of his jeans, and couldn’t help but admire it.

The drive to my house was pretty quiet, I couldn’t speak much. To be quite honest I was afraid. If my dad would be home, he would be angry, and that wouldn’t be good if it was combined with a nights drinking inside of him. He had hit me and Angel quite a few times now, but we had both vowed to leave if he ever put his hand on Melody. Where we would go, neither of us knew. But anywhere would be better than with him.

Heres you guys' update. Specially for Emm. Welcome back to Stephie and Britt!!! And thanks to everyone for reading! This ones kinda long, to make up for all those tiny updates i used to do lmao. Anyway hope you enjoy. Buzzes && comments =L.O.V.E

---

I sat on the lush green in the park sharing a drink with one of my best friends Taylor. The cool breeze blew my black hair gently around my face, tickling me. We sat side by side in silence just watching the guys running around in the summer sun playing football.

Every week we came here, and sat here in the same spot every week. It’s just like a tradition that we do, and it provides me with time with Taylor that I crave so much. We didn’t do much, just sat here and talked all day, drinking, sunning. Things that friends do in general.

I shaded my eyes as I watched her stand up and stretch in front of the sun. I looked as her short black hair blew softly in the wind, and the way it framed her pretty face. The face with its olive skin, and soft grey eyes that stood out, and lips that were curled into a smile. As she stretched I noticed that her white tank top rode up slightly revealing her toned stomach. My eyes wandered her body, climbing up her long legs, lingering in places that they shouldn’t.

I tore my eyes away, and mentally punished myself for the thing that I hated doing. I found myself doing it even more often now, and I dreamt of the Saturday’s that I spent with her. The way I would get to play with her soft curly hair, the way that I would be able to smell her amazing scent and touch her smooth lotioned skin. The little things that drove me crazy about her.

I felt someone nudge me and I turned to see her bright grey eyes staring into mine. Our faces inches away from each other. She smiled, her plump lips teasing me.

“What cha thinking about?” She asked, her low soulful voice dancing about my ears.

“Nothin,” I blushed. Embarrassed at what I was really thinking of. She sat back and I layed back down.

“Hey, you goin’ to Lucy’s party later?” I turned my head to look at her

“Maybe,” I replied slowly.

“Oh come on, it’ll be a laugh Rayne.” I smiled at Taylor’s thoughts of fun. Getting drunk, dancing till dawn and teasing the local boys.

“You know I wanna go though dude. It’s just…I’ll have to talk to Angel about it. We need someone to look after Melody.” She nodded as she gazed off into the distance to watch the footballers running around. The sweat dripping off of their naked chests.

“You deserve some time off. Your always looking after Melody since your bum ass dad ain’t never home.” We both laughed, knowing it was true. I was Melody’s second mother . Me and Angel were like the parents she didn’t have. “So it’s a deal yeah?” I grinned.

“Yeah,” I knew if I didn’t agree, she’d convince me some other way. It’s easier to just give up now. She lay back down beside me and closed her eyes against the afternoon sun. And I turned my thoughts to what would happen later that night. Maybe it would offer me the opportunity that I had been searching for.

*****************************************************************************

It was hot and stuffy in Lucy’s overcrowded apartment that night. Me and Taylor had only arrived an hour ago, and already the party was in full swing. Beer fuelled guys ran amok after the girls dressed in their worst. Short dresses or mini skirts. I’m glad that neither me or Taylor looked like a complete whore. We made our way carefully through the crowded rooms, and through the crowds of people toward our small group of friends sitting on the living room couch.

Lucy was sitting with her favourite drink, rum and coke. Meanwhile our two other friends, Jada and Kelly sat in conversation. They waved us over and we all briefly hugged. I latched onto Kelly and Jada’s conversation quickly. It seemed that Kelly was telling us all about the newest guy that she had apparently fallen in love with, and how he was so sweet and special. No doubt he would be gone as soon as he found out how easy she was. As much as I loved Kelly, she was a real flirt and that girl just did not learn her lessons. On the other hand you had her best friend, Jada. Jada was more sensible than Kelly and preferred to take her time over guys and make sure that they respected her. But then again she was still in a 4 year relationship with her boyfriend, Michael. So that wasn’t much to go on. The you had Lucy. Fun-loving, energetic Lucy. Willing to give anything a go at least once, but more sensible when it came down to the serious stuff. She always came up with the groups most wildest ideas, that we were all too happy to go along with.

I took a glass from Taylor and the next thing I remember, we’re all sitting in a circle. Discarded bottles lay all over the floor and the apartment was pretty much vacant apart from us 5 and 3 boys that I couldn’t remember the name of. I frowned as I studied the face of one of them, and I realized that he was one of the footballers from the park that had had his eye on Taylor for a while now.

“Okay!” Lucy shouted drunkenly in my ear. “Time to play…SPIN THE BOTTLE!” I laughed.

“Okay!” I agreed. In my head, it didn’t seem like such a good idea. But my mouth seemed to disagree with it right now. It all became a bit of a blur as person after person seemed to become less and less clothed, and my mouth had started to taste weird after kissing so many people, not to mention some other things.

“Maybe we should go now Luce,” I said, pointing to Kelly who had passed out cold on the lap of some poor boy. Jada was practically laughing her head off and even Taylor looked a bit off her head.

“One…just one more go,” she slurred attempting to spin the bottle and failing. I shook my head and span it for her. The bottle seemed to go round in slow motion and I started to feel sick. The motion of the bottle was just so weird. When I finally stopped I so confused that I must have blanked out for a few seconds.

“Rayne!” Jada yelled and poked me in the head. “We’re talking to youu,” she giggled.

“Eh?” I asked confusedly.

“Your turn.” I stared at her blankly. “You have to kiss her,” she giggled again and pointed at a grinning Taylor. Suddenly the game wasn’t funny anymore, and I felt sick rising in my stomach. I didn’t want to play anymore. All the boys waited eagerly, cheering us on and Taylor was edging closer. Next she was so close I could barely hear myself think. My heart was hammering so loud, I was sure that everybody could hear. My mouth was dry and the sick was threatening to spill any second. I took a huge gulp and swallowed it back down nervously.

“You ready?” Taylor asked and I felt myself nod although in my head I was screaming out not to. Then it was too late. I was on her. My lips pressed against hers and I felt her smell clog up my nostrils. Her beautiful hair was out, and the golden lights made her skin shine. I could feel her smiling and in my head, I was telling me to stop. But I couldn’t. As I leant forward I didn’t realize the amount of pressure I had on her and I fell on top. I could hear everyone laughing around me as Taylor finally pushed me off.

I looked at her. I felt like I was having a heart-attack, my brain was working over-drive and every vein in my body was pulsating with blood going double its normal speed. I could taste her in my mouth, I could feel my tongue still against hers. Lucy was just looking at me smiling. The boys were all cheering and roaring with laughter. And before I knew what I was doing, I was off the floor and running down the dark streets and into the park.

There were no lights, and I ran on blindly. Tree twigs scratching and tearing at my face and clothes. My breathing rate deepened even more. I felt sick to my stomach and had to stop to throw up in a near by bush. But on I ran, confused. Tears spilling out my big round eyes and down onto my hot cheeks. Flushed with embarrassment and humiliation. Until finally I tripped over something laying on the floor. And when I hit the floor, I never wanted to get up again.

I wept into my freshly cleaned soft pillow, trying to muffle out the sound. Next door my little sister, Melody lay asleep, my older brother was out. And my dad was god knows where, but that wasn’t what I was crying about. Everything had gone so wrong, and now I was stuck. I didn’t know what to do. All these problems had built up on my brain for so long, that I couldn’t cope anymore.

What had I done? I asked myself over and over again, as the tears rolled down my cheeks and I didn’t try to sniff them away. All my pain, hurt and confusion was finally flowing free. After so long of keeping it in, I was finally letting some of it out.

For years it had been going wrong. I guess you could say the problems first started out 2 years ago, when I was 14 years old. The death of our mother. She was the strongest person I had ever known in my short life, my inspiration and my role model. She supported this family on her own back while our no good father wasted away his life. 2 jobs for average pay. Enough to keep me, Melody and Angel alive and in good health. That was until the cancer got her. We cried for days, but after a few months it seemed as if Angel had gotten over his pain and all that baby Melody could grasp was that she had no Mum anymore. That she was gone. No one can ever understand the pain that you go through when a loved one dies, and everyday I die a little bit inside.

Now these tears I cried were not only for my mum but for me. Rayne Stewarts. And the god awful mess I’d gotten myself into. Not only had I lost my mum, but I had lost two other loved ones. Not in death, but I had destroyed our friendships.

Ever since I was 9, I knew I was different. I had always been different from other girls anyway, but this was the tip of the iceberg for me. It concluded that I had a problem. A big problem. And everything was fine, until shortly after my mum died. That’s when I became closer to some of my friends, and that’s when I realized something.

But my story doesn’t start there, it starts the day that I met Xavian Phoenix. On that fateful Sunday morning, two weeks ago.

---

Heres the beginning guys. I've written 7 pages of this so far, so. There'll be more posts if you like this one. Thanks for reading =D

I wept into my freshly cleaned soft pillow, trying to muffle out the sound. Next door my little sister, Melody lay asleep, my older brother was out. And my dad was god knows where, but that wasn’t what I was crying about. Everything had gone so wrong, and now I was stuck. I didn’t know what to do. All these problems had built up on my brain for so long, that I couldn’t cope anymore.

What had I done? I asked myself over and over again, as the tears rolled down my cheeks and I didn’t try to sniff them away. All my pain, hurt and confusion was finally flowing free. After so long of keeping it in, I was finally letting some of it out.

For years it had been going wrong. I guess you could say the problems first started out 2 years ago, when I was 14 years old. The death of our mother. She was the strongest person I had ever known in my short life, my inspiration and my role model. She supported this family on her own back while our no good father wasted away his life. 2 jobs for average pay. Enough to keep me, Melody and Angel alive and in good health. That was until the cancer got her. We cried for days, but after a few months it seemed as if Angel had gotten over his pain and all that baby Melody could grasp was that she had no Mum anymore. That she was gone. No one can ever understand the pain that you go through when a loved one dies, and everyday I die a little bit inside.

Now these tears I cried were not only for my mum but for me. Rayne Stewarts. And the god awful mess I’d gotten myself into. Not only had I lost my mum, but I had lost two other loved ones. Not in death, but I had destroyed our friendships.

Ever since I was 9, I knew I was different. I had always been different from other girls anyway, but this was the tip of the iceberg for me. It concluded that I had a problem. A big problem. And everything was fine, until shortly after my mum died. That’s when I became closer to some of my friends, and that’s when I realized something.

But my story doesn’t start there, it starts the day that I met Xavian Phoenix. On that fateful Sunday morning, two weeks ago.

---

I sat on the lush green in the park sharing a drink with one of my best friends Taylor. The cool breeze blew my black hair gently around my face, tickling me. We sat side by side in silence just watching the guys running around in the summer sun playing football.

Every week we came here, and sat here in the same spot every week. It’s just like a tradition that we do, and it provides me with time with Taylor that I crave so much. We didn’t do much, just sat here and talked all day, drinking, sunning. Things that friends do in general.

I shaded my eyes as I watched her stand up and stretch in front of the sun. I looked as her short black hair blew softly in the wind, and the way it framed her pretty face. The face with its olive skin, and soft grey eyes that stood out, and lips that were curled into a smile. As she stretched I noticed that her white tank top rode up slightly revealing her toned stomach. My eyes wandered her body, climbing up her long legs, lingering in places that they shouldn’t.

I tore my eyes away, and mentally punished myself for the thing that I hated doing. I found myself doing it even more often now, and I dreamt of the Saturday’s that I spent with her. The way I would get to play with her soft curly hair, the way that I would be able to smell her amazing scent and touch her smooth lotioned skin. The little things that drove me crazy about her.

I felt someone nudge me and I turned to see her bright grey eyes staring into mine. Our faces inches away from each other. She smiled, her plump lips teasing me.

“What cha thinking about?” She asked, her low soulful voice dancing about my ears.

“Nothin,” I blushed. Embarrassed at what I was really thinking of. She sat back and I layed back down.

“Hey, you goin’ to Lucy’s party later?” I turned my head to look at her

“Maybe,” I replied slowly.

“Oh come on, it’ll be a laugh Rayne.” I smiled at Taylor’s thoughts of fun. Getting drunk, dancing till dawn and teasing the local boys.

“You know I wanna go though dude. It’s just…I’ll have to talk to Angel about it. We need someone to look after Melody.” She nodded as she gazed off into the distance to watch the footballers running around. The sweat dripping off of their naked chests.

“You deserve some time off. Your always looking after Melody since your bum ass dad ain’t never home.” We both laughed, knowing it was true. I was Melody’s second mother . Me and Angel were like the parents she didn’t have. “So it’s a deal yeah?” I grinned.

“Yeah,” I knew if I didn’t agree, she’d convince me some other way. It’s easier to just give up now. She lay back down beside me and closed her eyes against the afternoon sun. And I turned my thoughts to what would happen later that night. Maybe it would offer me the opportunity that I had been searching for.

*********************************************************************

It was hot and stuffy in Lucy’s overcrowded apartment that night. Me and Taylor had only arrived an hour ago, and already the party was in full swing. Beer fuelled guys ran amok after the girls dressed in their worst. Short dresses or mini skirts. I’m glad that neither me or Taylor looked like a complete whore. We made our way carefully through the crowded rooms, and through the crowds of people toward our small group of friends sitting on the living room couch.

Lucy was sitting with her favourite drink, rum and coke. Meanwhile our two other friends, Jada and Kelly sat in conversation. They waved us over and we all briefly hugged. I latched onto Kelly and Jada’s conversation quickly. It seemed that Kelly was telling us all about the newest guy that she had apparently fallen in love with, and how he was so sweet and special. No doubt he would be gone as soon as he found out how easy she was. As much as I loved Kelly, she was a real flirt and that girl just did not learn her lessons. On the other hand you had her best friend, Jada. Jada was more sensible than Kelly and preferred to take her time over guys and make sure that they respected her. But then again she was still in a 4 year relationship with her boyfriend, Michael. So that wasn’t much to go on. The you had Lucy. Fun-loving, energetic Lucy. Willing to give anything a go at least once, but more sensible when it came down to the serious stuff. She always came up with the groups most wildest ideas, that we were all too happy to go along with.

I took a glass from Taylor and the next thing I remember, we’re all sitting in a circle. Discarded bottles lay all over the floor and the apartment was pretty much vacant apart from us 5 and 3 boys that I couldn’t remember the name of. I frowned as I studied the face of one of them, and I realized that he was one of the footballers from the park that had had his eye on Taylor for a while now.

“Okay!” Lucy shouted drunkenly in my ear. “Time to play…SPIN THE BOTTLE!” I laughed.

“Okay!” I agreed. In my head, it didn’t seem like such a good idea. But my mouth seemed to disagree with it right now. It all became a bit of a blur as person after person seemed to become less and less clothed, and my mouth had started to taste weird after kissing so many people, not to mention some other things.

“Maybe we should go now Luce,” I said, pointing to Kelly who had passed out cold on the lap of some poor boy. Jada was practically laughing her head off and even Taylor looked a bit off her head.

“One…just one more go,” she slurred attempting to spin the bottle and failing. I shook my head and span it for her. The bottle seemed to go round in slow motion and I started to feel sick. The motion of the bottle was just so weird. When I finally stopped I so confused that I must have blanked out for a few seconds.

“Rayne!” Jada yelled and poked me in the head. “We’re talking to youu,” she giggled.

“Eh?” I asked confusedly.

“Your turn.” I stared at her blankly. “You have to kiss her,” she giggled again and pointed at a grinning Taylor. Suddenly the game wasn’t funny anymore, and I felt sick rising in my stomach. I didn’t want to play anymore. All the boys waited eagerly, cheering us on and Taylor was edging closer. Next she was so close I could barely hear myself think. My heart was hammering so loud, I was sure that everybody could hear. My mouth was dry and the sick was threatening to spill any second. I took a huge gulp and swallowed it back down nervously.

“You ready?” Taylor asked and I felt myself nod although in my head I was screaming out not to. Then it was too late. I was on her. My lips pressed against hers and I felt her smell clog up my nostrils. Her beautiful hair was out, and the golden lights made her skin shine. I could feel her smiling and in my head, I was telling me to stop. But I couldn’t. As I leant forward I didn’t realize the amount of pressure I had on her and I fell on top. I could hear everyone laughing around me as Taylor finally pushed me off.

I looked at her. I felt like I was having a heart-attack, my brain was working over-drive and every vein in my body was pulsating with blood going double its normal speed. I could taste her in my mouth, I could feel my tongue still against hers. Lucy was just looking at me smiling. The boys were all cheering and roaring with laughter. And before I knew what I was doing, I was off the floor and running down the dark streets and into the park.

There were no lights, and I ran on blindly. Tree twigs scratching and tearing at my face and clothes. My breathing rate deepened even more. I felt sick to my stomach and had to stop to throw up in a near by bush. But on I ran, confused. Tears spilling out my big round eyes and down onto my hot cheeks. Flushed with embarrassment and humiliation. Until finally I tripped over something laying on the floor. And when I hit the floor, I never wanted to get up again.

---

I must have been lying on the damp grass for a long time, because by the time my tears had all dried up I was extremely cold and tired. The sun was beginning to rise over the trees so I figured out that I must have spent the night here. How stupid of me! Anything could have happened, but I obviously was a bit pre-occupied last night. I sat slowly and rubbed my head, trying to get rid of this thumping feeling in my head. As I sat there watching the sun slowly begin to come up, I felt a presence next to me that I hadn’t noticed before. I slowly turned my head and had a start when I saw a guy sitting next to me watching me.

“Who the fuck are you?” I exclaimed trying to get up but losing my balance and falling over again. Causing my head to explode. I sat there breathing heavily trying to escape in my mind, but my legs remained where they were. I slowly turned to look at the guy again who was now gently laughing at me. Something inside my head suddenly went off, and I was sure it wasn’t drink related. “Hang on…” I squinted at him. “I…I know you somewhere.” He nodded his head.

“Yeah, I play football here. I see you and your friend every Saturday.” I flinched at the sound of me and Taylor together here alone as the memories of last night floated back into my head in a hazy mist. “Ex-friend?” He suggested but I merely just shook my head. “Uhm…I got you some paracetemol and water.” He pulled them out of a bag at his side and gave them to me. I looked at them warily. “There okay, I promise.” I took them, not knowing what else to do and swallowed them gratefully. As I did I took the time to examine him. I did remember him. He had caught my eye the first Saturday we had come here. And I blushed knowing that I was sitting next to him.

He had deep brown eyes set against tanned skin, finely chiselled features, a cheeky grin and shoulder length dark curly brown hair that hung around his perfect face. He noticed me looking at him and smiled once more, dimples appearing in his cheeks making me squeal inside.

“My name’s Xavian,” I nodded.

“Rayne.” He nodded back at me and I laughed in the awkwardness of everything. “Your not from around here are you?” I said. His accent sounded to familiar and yet kinda foreign, but I just couldn’t place it.

“Nah I’m not. I’m actually from Sydney in Australia.”

“Ah!” I said. So that’s why it sounded so familiar. “Your accent sounds really nice.” I found myself saying. He gave an embarrassed smile and thanked me.

“So Rayne,” he began putting his hands through his hair as he leant back against a wall that was beside us. I did the same. “If you don’t mind me asking, how’d you come to be out here alone in the dark drunk?” I sighed and avoided his eyes. Looking out at the sunrise instead. It looked so beautiful, baby pink clouds floated about a deep orange sky streaked with light purple.

“Just…I was at a party,” I finally answered after awhile. “Something embarrassing happened, but I’d rather not talk about it.”

“I see,” he simply answered, and I was glad that he chose not to press the matter. But as I thought about Taylor tears began to spring to me eyes again. I was so embarrassed at what had happened, allowing my feelings to take control of me like that. And the fact that I was having feelings like that for my friend, a girl friend, it was so wrong. I felt dirty and contaminated, even though I know that it wasn’t my fault or that it was wrong. There was nothing wrong with being gay, my head told me. But I’m not gay, I argued back with myself. I like boys…except that. Taylor was the only girl I had ever had feelings for, but they were strong feelings, that was for sure. I felt a hand place itself gently on my arm.

“Hey, are you okay?” Xavian asked. I nodded my head and wiped away my tears with the sleeve of my hoodie. I blinked as something white appeared in front of my face and I took it after realizing that it was a tissue.

“What else you got in that bag? A whole shop?” I joked lightly.

“Maybe,” he said smiling again. “Look, maybe I should take you home. Its 7 in the morning and you must be cold after spending the night here. My cars just around the corner, I’ll give you a ride home.” I nodded gratefully and took his big warm hand as he helped me up. I blinked up at him, suddenly realizing how tall he was. “You’re a right shorty huh?” He laughed patting my head.

“Hey fuck you,” I said. “ I actually like being short.”

“Well good you,”

“Indeed,” I replied by sticking out my tongue and following him off of the grass and onto a pavement. I noticed that he had a damp patch on the bum of his jeans, and couldn’t help but admire it.

The drive to my house was pretty quiet, I couldn’t speak much. To be quite honest I was afraid. If my dad would be home, he would be angry, and that wouldn’t be good if it was combined with a nights drinking inside of him. He had hit me and Angel quite a few times now, but we had both vowed to leave if he ever put his hand on Melody. Where we would go, neither of us knew. But anywhere would be better than with him.