The only way to get through with hearts and wrists intact is...

So um. I have to write this here because I honestly don't have anyone else to tell and if I don't at least write it down I will end up going crazy.

Everything's gone down hill this week, like seriously bad. They were getting fucked over the past few weeks but this week i haven't been to college at all. I started sleeping all day and up all night until about 6am. My form tutor rang me and asked me why i haven't been in, I missed my counselling, my mum wasn't talking to me cos she's mad at me for missing college. I'm already behind on coursework and on new class work because I keep not going in. So my form tutor said, it's okay just come in tomorrow and we'll meet with one of your teachers and go over what you need to do. Your not in trouble they're just worried about you and want you to catch up.

Today is the day I was sposed to go in, and I didn't. I actually went to sleep last night for once and didn't have a bad dream. I woke up on time and then that was it. I layed there and layed there and layed there. I just couldn't make myself get up. I sat in bed for TWO HOURS staring at the wall crying. Half of me was worrying like hell that I'm never gonna be able to catch up with the work, that my teachers are gonna be pissed at me, that I might get kicked out because they think I don't care or something, that my mum's gonna be so mad at me. These are all thing's that would go away if I got up and went. But the other half of me just didn't care. I didn't have the energy to get up out of my bed.

It's taken me two hours to get here. I don't even know what to do.

Oh, and my mum left me this message on the table this morning. You know where I am if you want to talk. Which just makes me feel horrible and dirty and guilty as hell for being the way I am and for hurting her.