The only way to get through with hearts and wrists intact is...

Hullo, I don't know if you will read this, or if anyone will care. But that's not the point. Even if no one reads this, I need to say it.

For those of you who know me you will know me as Jay. JJ is 16, lives in London, likes to write, likes to mess around and joke. Jay is happy, she is ambitious, she loves her friends, she likes buzznet and the people on buzznet.

Now, my name is Emily. I am 16 years old, I live in a crappy flat in South London with my mum. I don't know my dad and I don't have any siblings. This is Emily:

Last year was the worst year of my life. I had to live with my best friend for a month because I couldn't live at home. Those of you who have been with from the beginning know what followed. The scary journal, where I confessed what was really going on. After I wrote journal I attempted suicide and ended up in a teenage psychatric hospital for 2 months. I couldn't see my friends, I couldn't talk to my friends. I was shut off from the world and locked up in a place with people like me, and people worse than me. It was a horrible place. I started to cut too. Me and my mum had constant arguments. I failed my exams at school, which meant that I couldnt go back to college. I finally got accepted in a college though so resit the exams that I had failed. All of my friends, bar one, go to another college. I don't really get to see them. I went from spending pretty much 5-6 days a week with my best friends, to possibly once or twice a month. I don't really have friends at college.

Now it's January 2009. This time last year everything happened to me. I am struggling to gain control again. I still feel depressed, I feel isolated, I feel like a failure, I feel so alone. I don't feel like I'm pretty or that I'm smart, that I can write resonably well. I don't feel like I'm worth anything at all. I'm lost and I'm alone, and I'm scared. I don't want to go back to hospital again.

That's why I've come back to Buzznet. I have close friends here, Nic, Emm, Tannii, Britt, Peanut, Chris. So many more, and you know who you are. And I admire many people here, Pipsy, Savannah, Kate, newageamazon, ounceofwentz, huldaholm. Smart, creative people. People I wish I could be like.

At the moment, I'm not even close to being amazing at writing like Pipsy or Kate. I can't take brilliant pictures like Hulda. I don't have great opinions like newageamazon or Savannah. I don't have the same effect on people that ounceofwentz has. This is me. This is all the things wrong with me. I am a broken person, I write poetry and stories when I can, I can't wait to get a camera so I can try photography. I want to be better. That is why I am here.

Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed, sometimes I cut myself so badly just to get out the pain. But somedays I like going to college, I like the work and I like writing. Some days I hate myself, some days I don't. But as long as I keep trying, maybe one day, even if I'm not better, I'll be a lot better than I am now.

Thank you, to anyone who reads this.

Please do not take this journal the wrong way. I am not attention seeking or wishing for sympathy. I am just trying to be honest, honest with myself and honest with you. Until I can do that I'm not going to get very far.

i LOVE YOU ALL. <3